Lady Bloodfight

Title: Lady Bloodfight

Director: Chris Nahon

Released: 2016

Starring: Amy Johnston, Muriel Hofmann, Jenny Wu, Kathy Wu, Jet Tranter, Mayling Ng, Sunny Coelst, Rosemary Vandebrouck, Lisa Cheng

Plot: While attempting to escape her troubled homelife by backpacking in Hong Kong, Jane (Johnston) attracts the attention of Shu (Hofmann) when she is forced to fend off a group of thugs. Now under Shu’s training she enters into the all-female underground fighting tournament known as “The Kumite”.

Review: Originally created by writer / producer Bey Logan as a project to showcase the top female talent of Hong Kong martial arts cinema such as Maggie Q and Shu Qi only for the project to languish in development hell. Picked up by “Voltage Pictures” the film was instead turned into something for a more mainstream audience though surprisingly retaining a gritty edge to its action.

Directed by French director Chris Nahon who is no doubt best known for “Kiss of the Dragon” aswell as the live action adaptation of “Blood: The Last Vampire”. Here he once more brings a highly visual style to the film, though you might want to lower your expectations before you go into this expecting another “Kiss of the Dragon” arguably one of the best of Jet Li’s films. At the same time it should be noted that despite being given what essentially is a gender-swapped version of “Bloodsport” still manages to give us a surprisingly enjoyable brawler.

One of the big issues of this film really falls on the lack of plotting and character development which plagues this film throughout. Lets take Jane our heroine for example who arguably gets the most development of any of the cast and who we are introduced to working as a waitress were her zero tolerance for being harassed by pervert customers sees her being fired from her job and with only her slovenly chain smoking mother at home, she decides to find out what happened to her father who disappeared eight years previous while competing in the Kumite and well that’s about all we ever find out about her.

The other main plotline here involves rival masters Shu and Wei (Kathy Wu) who we see battling at the start of the film in the previous Kumite and from the large amount of time lapse photography spliced into their fight, we are lead to believe is also a fight which has gone on for hours, despite neither fighter seemingly any less dishevelled nor beat up than when they started. When the pair managed to ultimately fight to a draw they are tasked by the Kumite to each train a fighter to represent them in the following years competition which bring in Jane as the fighter of Shu while Wei finds her fighter in the thief and hoodrat Wai (Jenny Wu) who with her hotheaded nature could be seen as the closest the film really has to a villian outside of the psychotic Russian convict Svietta (Mayling Ng).

The fight scenes throughout are surprisingly brutal with this film certainly being more about attractive female fighters engaging in titillating catfights but rather them beating each other to a bloody pulp which is certainly the case for Jane who frequently comes off the worse in her fights. The fight scenes are further helped by the background of many of the actresses having a martial arts background which is certainly the case of Mayling Ng whose IMDB page features as demo real of her skills. Amy Johnston on the other hand has an extensive list of stunt woman credits and much like Zoe Bell who she also co-starred in “Raze” with makes the transition to actress with ease and believability here.

The downside to the action scenes comes from some seriously choppy editing and misguided attempts to include flashy camera work to heighten these scenes and add to the excitement. The other issues comes from Nahon shooting so close to the fight scenes rather than giving them the space to breathe and allow the audience to be able to see what is happening on the screen.

Despite being a DTV title certainly here on these rain soaked shores this film really fights above its expectations and while it might not be the most groundbreaking film of the year, while perhaps verging on blatant plagiarism of “Bloodsport” this is still an entertaining if slightly flawed brawler that’s still worth giving a look.

The Rage: Carrie 2

Title:  The Rage: Carrie 2

Director: Katt Shea
Released: 1999
Starring: Emily Bergl, Jason London, Dylan Bruno, J. Smith-Cameron, Zachery Ty Bryan, Charlotte Ayanna,  Justin Urich, Mena Suvari, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Amy Irving

Plot: Twenty-Two years after Carrie’s psychic rampage, troubled teen and social outcast Rachel (Bergl) discovers her own psychic powers awakening and which soon are threatening to consume her when her only friend Rachel (Suvari) commits suicide after being used by the school football team.

Review:  No doubt regular readers will have heard me proclaiming my love for the golden cinema year of 1999. Sadly though it was not the case for everything released that year as this film proved. True I should have known this going in, with many fans of the original being highly dismissive of it, but then recently I’ve tried not to listen to the naysayers so much, especially when we live in these times were movies are regularly graded one star before the film has even been released….ok true some of these were Uwe Boll movies which it’s safe to say would be what these films would still be rated when they had been released anyway. Regardless I wanted to give this one the benefit of the doubt only to find out around the half way point that the detractors may have been right with this one.

The original “Carrie” was never a film that really resonated with me in seemingly the same way it did with seemingly everyone else, yes it was an enjoyable watch but certainly not the incredible experience that their rave reviews had promised. Still there was something about this film back when it had its original release which caught my curiosity even if it’s taken me until now to actually watch it.

Opening with Rachel’s schizophrenic mother being institutionalised, believing her daughter to be targeted by the devil as her awakening psychic powers cause windows and doors to open and close wildly and leading her sloppily painting a protective barrier around the room. Years later Rachel’s life hasn’t improved any as she is forced to live with her abusive foster parents, who seemingly only care more about claiming the welfare checks than actually looking after her. Things only get worse for her when the school jocks decide to target her best friend Lisa as part of their game were they award each other points for the girls they sleep with mirroring the real life events of “The Spur Posse” and leading to her throwing herself off the school roof. Of course if this wasn’t enough doom and gloom her dog also gets run over (don’t worry he survives) all adding up to quite a pile of issues she has to deal with while slightly overkill when you consider that Carrie only needed a domineering mother and a bunch of tampon throwing girls to establish her grim situation.

So how does any of this link to the original film? Well it turns out that Rachel is Carrie’s half-sister in one of the more questionable moves the film makes to tie itself to the original. The other way it attempts to do this is by bringing back Amy Irving as Sue Snell who having survived Carrie’s meltdown in the original film now works as the school guidance councillor and recognising the same signs in Rachel attempts to help her control her power before she loses control. Ultimatly her character is used to help fill in the gaps in the questionable script, while giving director Katt Shea and excuse to include footage from the original “Carrie” after Sissy Spacek turned down the chance to cameo in this film, opting perhaps more wisely to give her permission for her likeness to be used instead.

While the initial setup works well with Rachel’s fierce outsider making a nice contrast to the terminally withdrawn original Carrie, more so when her position in the school social order still makes her a suitable target for the jocks. As such here we have Rachel getting involved with Jesse (London) one of the jocks, while the film plays around with the idea of their sudden relationship being all part of the game the jocks are playing, or does he actually care for her. A plot point which ultimately is responsible for the downfall of the film as it veers away from a horror film and confusingly into being a teen romance movie and bringing the whole film to a screeching standstill until it remembers that it was supposed to be a horror film.

The jocks meanwhile are your usual knuckle draggers, able to do exactly what they want with little fear of repercussion, outside of the school coach seemingly attempting to molest them as part of his motivation techniques, as seen during a hazing heavy post game recap. Elsewhere despite one of the players facing statutory rape charges for his involvement in their ongoing game, finds all charges quickly pushed aside by the D.A due to political influence of the boys families, though it remains to be seen what political powers such a small town holds? I wasn’t sure if I should also be surprised or not that Zachery Ty Bryan is amongst these jocks, especially when he’s spent most of his career playing this role even as late as 2006 when he showed up in “The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift” which was also his last film of note unless you like movies made by the Sci-fi channel in which case it would have been him playing the most questionable Thor to date in “Thor: Hammer of the Gods” and that’s even including the one which showed up in “The Incredible Hulk Returns” but I digress.

Perhaps what saved this film for me is with the finale when Rachel has her own psychic meltdown and dishes out some much needed punishment on the jocks and their followers which arguably might be better than the original even if no one is getting pigs blood dumped over them. Rachel’s cheap rose tattoo however does grow covering her arms and face with thorny lines which looks pretty cool. The carnage of this finale scene though is almost enough to balance out the earlier flaws of the film and randomly has several of the jocks trying to defend themselves with spear guns for seemingly no other purpose than to setup some of the more impressive kills of this scene.

Ultimately the cons for this film outweigh the pro’s while certainly not helped by a bloated runtime which could have lost twenty minutes and perhaps been more effective as a result, while the attempts to tie this this film to the original are almost as laughable as the TV movie remake which attempted to turn the concept of Carrie into a series (still not sure how that would work). If anything this is one for completists or the curious while certainly nothing to deserve a second viewing, even if the ending is simply baffling. 

Orca

Title: Orca

Director: Michael Anderson

Released: 1977
Starring: Richard Harris, Charlotte Rampling, Will Sampson, Bo Derek, Keenan Wynn, Peter Hooten, Robert Carradine  

Plot: Captain Nolan (Harris) and his crew make a living capturing marine animals, however while attempting to capture an Orca he accidently kills the whale which he discovers was pregnant and occurring the wrath of her mate who now sets out to seek revenge against Nolan.

Review: One of the numerous films to come off the back of the success of “Jaws” a trend which continues even today with this being one of the better ones and one of the few to stand on its own, as other the years it has spawned its own cult following. Unquestionably the idea of a killer Orca is an intriguing one especially when most people view these animals like dolphins in the fact that we don’t see them as vicious killers, which is something that couldn’t be further from the truth as is especially the case with Orca which are especially fearsome predators as "Blackfish" only further highlighted to the doubters.

Produced by cult cinema legend Dino De Laurentiis who tasked fellow producer Luciano Vincenzoni to “find a fish tougher and more terrible than the great white” following a late night viewing of “Jaws”. Like De Laurentiis, Vincenzoni knew little about sea life but was soon directed to killer whales by his brother Adriano….I guess the fact that whales are not fish but mammals didn’t ultimately matter now De Laurentiis had his killer. Still if to emphasis the point that here was an animal deadlier than a great white the film features the orcas being introduced by having them attack a great white shark, in a scene were the gauntlet is truly being thrown down and one which would inspire in retaliation the scene of the mauled orca in “Jaws 2”.

Director Anderson though really is another director who really doesn’t get the credit he deserves, especially as he was also responsible for the iconic WW2 war movie “The Dam Busters” let alone cult favourites “Logan’s Run” which he directed prior to this film and the much overlooked “Millennium”. Here again despite being essentially tasked with turning in a “Jaws” cash in still manages to give us something alittle different than the usual go to plot of disposable cast members being picked off  by the titular beastie. Here instead we have what could essentially be seen as “Moby Dick” in reverse with the whale this time taking on the role of the vengeance seeking Captain Ahab relentlessly hunting his prey in Captain Nolan. Nolan though is an interesting character for while he might seem like a clone of Quint seeing how both ruthlessly hunt animals for profit, but Nolan is not hunting these creatures out of a deep seated desire for revenge but rather the simple desire to pay off his boat and return to Ireland. True having an actor like Harris really raises the role and unquestionable sells the journey Nolan is forced to take over the course of the film, even coming to a point where he finds himself comparing his actions to those of the drunk driver which killed his own family. Harris reportedly enjoyed making this film and it shows with the thoughtful performance he gives here even to the extent that he insisted on doing all his own stunts, something that would on several occasions almost kill him in the process.

Okay I know the idea of an animal seeking revenge is unquestionably a far-fetched one as I don’t think that its an emotion they are even capable of. It would also be the same idea which would later sink the “Jaws” franchise” and it is none the more believable here despite the best efforts of Anderson who stops off trying to play things smart with the whale pushing his dead mate onto the island, before sinking fishing boats and driving away the supplies of fish which the island rely on. From here though it becomes increasingly far-fetched as it is soon knocking out essential support legs on Nolan’s dockside house aswell as severing the fuel lines to the village causing a huge fire to erupt and engulf have the village in flames. All things which I doubt even the smartest of whales would be able to do and things which only mark the randomness to come as the whale manages to convince Nolan and his crew to follow it into the icy north using nothing but the same gestures we have come to expect from these animals asking for more fish.

When it comes to the orca effects originally I thought that it was solely trained whales and stock footage, but what is surprising is that a realistic animatronic whale was also used as part of the filming. In fact it would prove to be so realistic that animal activists mistook it for a real whale while protesting the production trucks. The orca attacks are also played largely true to nature, with cast members being pulled over board rather than anything “Free Willy” style attacks. Anderson only really allows himself a fantastical leap with these attack scenes once during the scene were the orca attacks Nolan’s house and in doing so tearing off Bo Derek’s leg, in a scene shot arguably similar to Quinn’s death in “Jaws”. This scene is also about gory as the film gets, while the death of the female orca and the miscarriage of her calf prove far more haunting that anything else the film has to offer, but then this is a film like “Jaws” where a minimal amount of gore goes a long way.

If I was to grumble over any aspect of the film it would be the sudden ending, were the climatic showdown between Nolan and the orca suddenly comes crashing to a sudden and abrupt ending, before we are treated to the warbling end credit music that had me scrambling for the remote to make it end.  Still credit has to be given to Anderson for going with such a ballsy ending, yet ultimately a fitting one even if it might not seem like it at first.

While this might not be even in the same league as “Jaws” it comes closer than most knock offs did, while certainly helped as I mentioned earlier by the casting of Harris. Equally the pacing is brisk enough that it doesn't outstay its welcome even if the finale seems come perhaps alittle too out of leftfield. However with the orca antics not limited to just killing off random cast members, there is plenty of orca action to enjoy and when compared to the recent animals gone rogue movies we are bombarded with currently with their cheap cgi, it only really makes this one all the more enjoyable.

Grizzly

Title: Grizzly

Director: William Girdler

Released: 1976

Starring: Andrew Prine, Christopher George, Joan McCall, Joe Dorsey, Richard Jaeckel

Plot: When a giant grizzly bear starts eating the campers at a state park, it is up to park ranger Michael (George) to hunt it down.

Review: If ever there was an example of the importance of editing it would be this film. For here is a film which in its TV cut is a tepid and boring movie while in its uncut form, it’s actually quite watchable even though it’s lingering around the ass end of okay in this stronger form. Frustratingly it was the TV cut which I watched first, which left me wondering why I got so excited about watching it in the first place, a fact which I’m sure was more down the prospect of seeing a film with a giant killer bear, especially as I do love creature features and couldn’t remember actually seeing one with a killer bear.

One the last films to be directed by Girdler, who was tragically killed in a helicopter crash while scouting locations for his tenth film. This would be the first of his two ventures into the creature feature genre, while more surprisingly it would also become one of the top films of 1976. This success of course could have been largely thanks to the massive success of “Jaws” which inspired countless imitators in a trend which continues even now, as directors continue to try find new and ever more inspired ways to add to the already primal fear most people have regarding certain animals. None however have shown the balls that Girdler does here with this film which is essentially a straight clone of “Jaws”, even though it could be argued that Bruno Mattei came close with “Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws”.

From the start Girdler tries to make the revel of the creature a slow burn by shooting from the bears perspective (or bear vision if you will) and by having a stage hand swipe at thing with a bear paw glove. Unfortunately the big revel never really comes perhaps thanks to Girdler choosing to use a real bear, which needless to say isn’t the safest creature for you to put next to actors, so as a result the bear footage often comes off looking like wildlife stock footage than anything specifically shot for the film. The biggest failure though comes when any character is attack by the bear, which usually descends into shaky camera shots and what can only be described as watching someone getting bear hugged by someone in a questionable looking bear costume. Despite the real bear never seemingly being anywhere near the actors, Girdler used a length of green string and a kitchen timer to shoot the actors with the bear, with the bear believing that the wire was the same as the electrified fence used during breaks in filming, while the trainers also got the bear to mimic roaring by tossing it marshmallows (who knew that bears liked them) and adding the sound in post production. However now having seen the film it makes you wonder why they went to so much effort with the real bear, especially when it never seems like the actor and bear are ever in the same shot.  

This leads me of course to the importance of which version you watch, as if your stuck with the TV version, this will fast become a painful film to sit through, as each time the bear attacks it suddenly cuts or even on a couple of occasions just fades to black. The uncut version on the other hand is a lot more fun, thanks to the occasional bursts of gore that it provides making the bear attacks a lot of satisfying to watch as limbs are torn off and even a small child loses a leg, all scenes missing from the TV version which cuts out all of the gore and leaves only the half decent attack on the ranger station intact. Thankfully though if you’re stuck with the TV version, the cut segments can be easily found on Youtube which honestly are also the best parts of this film, which really do save it in many ways from being such a grind.

Plot wise as I stated earlier in this review, the plot is essentially a blow for blow remake of “Jaws” with changes being made to suit the setting, so hence we get Michaels concern over a giant killer bear in the park being thrown out by his supervisor, who’d rather keep campers in the park rather than close the park while they hunt the bear, while also flooding the park with amateur hunters by offering a bounty on bear all actions mirrored by the mayor Vaughn. Equally mirrored is Michaels actions to hunt the bear which see’s him forming a similar team to Brody’s with naturalist Arthur (Jaeckel) and helicopter pilot and Vietnam veteran Don (Prine) taking on the roles played by Hooper and Quint. It’s hard to say if watching the film with this prior knowledge adds or takes away anything from the film, but it certainly makes it a curiosity to say the least, especially in these times were Mockbusters are being so regularly churned out which essentially do the same as this film and in many ways perhaps making this film the earliest example of the genre.

While the plotting may be the same as “Jaws” sadly the characterisation is far from the mark as this film lacks any of the likeable characters of that film, much less any ones which are memorable enough to actually care much about with the exception of Arthur but that could be more so do with his bear skin wearing antics, much less the lack of real insight he brings to the hunt despite being the so called expert.

Unsurprisingly in the wake of the film success this film would get a sequel of sorts almost ten years later in the form of “Grizzly 2: The Predator” which originally started out as a completely separate film entitled “Predator: The Concert”. Written aswell by the same screenwriter as this film Harvey Flaxman the film was never finished yet various incomplete cuts of the film do exist and it was via a review of that film by my good friend and bad movie critic extraordinaire The Great White Dope over at “Mecha-Blog-Zilla” that I came to find out about this film in the first place in a piece which I highly recommend checking out like the rest of his blog, even if he is currently on blogging hiatus there is still a wealth of great reading to enjoy.

A flawed film with a handful of interesting moments if your watching the uncut version but mainly it will just make you want to dig out your copy of the far superior "Jaws", especially as its doubt this will have you afraid to back into the woods anytime soon.

Oldboy (2013)

Title: Oldboy

Director: Spike Lee
Released: 2013

Starring: Josh Brolin, Elizabeth Olsen, Sharlto Copley, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Imperioli, Pom Klementieff, James Ransone, Max Casella, Linda Emond, Lance Reddick

Plot: Joe Doucett (Brolin) an advertising executive is kidnapped and imprisoned in an isolated hotel room. His only contact to the outside world being through the TV in his room, Joe soon discovers that he has been framed for the rape and murder of his wife, while his daughter is adopted. Now twenty years later Joe finds himself suddenly released and given 72 hours by a mysterious stranger (Copley) to discover why he imprisoned Joe.

Review: Unsurprisingly when the news was broke about an English language remake of the highly memorable yet alone much beloved Park Chan-wook original it was an announcement greeted with much distain by the fans of the original who rightfully saw it as yet another unneeded cash in. Still the studios rumbled on regardless as for awhile it looked like Steven Spielberg would team up with Will Smith for an adaptation of the original manga by Garon Tsuchiya and Nobuaki Minegishi, only to step away from the project leaving it open for Spike Lee to take on the project. Certainly a fitting director choice, especially as it takes a certain kind of ego to think that you can better an undisputed classic like the original is rightfully seen as not only by foreign cinema fans, but by people who would normally not even consider watching a foreign film, much less an undubbed one.

So with this in mind I really entered into this film expecting the worse, even more so when I have never exactly been the biggest fan of Lee’s films, which for myself hit their high water mark with the Oscar snubbed “Malcom X” and have since then been pretty much hit and miss. At the same time his frequently opinionated attitude (especially when it comes to racial politics) often leaves little too warm to. So now having finally seen this film it is something of a surprise to report that honestly it’s not that bad. Okay first off it should be noted that this review is based were possibly purely on this film alone, without trying to draw comparisons to the original especially when the two are so incomparable especially when both directors approach the material with two different spins on things.

Interestingly then than rather than trying to adapt the original source Manga, Lee here chooses instead to adapt Chan-Wook’s original film. It has to be noted though that on the credits it is listed as “The Korean film” rather than name checking Chan-Wook. Lee also notably leaves off his usual trademark “A Spike Lee Joint” title which seemingly was Lee’s protest of choice for the studio hacking 35 minutes off his original 140 minute cut. Where these cuts were made I couldn’t say, especially as nothing seems to be noticeably missing

Noticeably more violent than the original, the hammer blows are frequently shown in graphic detail much like nearly all the violence which has none of the savage beauty which Chan-Wook brought not only to the original film but his vengeance trilogy on the whole. Here Joe is a blunt weapon of raw vengeance fuelled with a single minded determination to find out who imprisoned him. It is interesting though to see that Lee rather than simply recreate the memorable brawls of the original instead reworks them in his own vision, so that the Joe’s first chance to test out his fighting skills is not with a group of thugs but instead a bone breaking showdown with a group of lacrosse players. Now as for the memorable one shot corridor fight, here it becomes a multi-level fight as Joe works his way down a series of ramps battling thugs, which Lee ambitiously also shoots as single shot. A sequence which reportedly brought Brolin to tears, while also sequence which suffered under the cuts imposed by the studio, but honestly I couldn’t see where the cut had been made as it remains still a standout sequence if perhaps too clustered in places, as the ramps frequently give the thugs the opportunity to surround and pile in on Joe.

Unsurprisingly some of the more memorable scenes like the squid eating scene are noticeably absent, though the squid is teased as Joe goes on a marathon dumpling sampling session to try and find the restaurant which supplied the dumplings he has been forced to live off for the last 20 years. A reminder once again that there are still somethings you can’t do via the Hollywood studio system that you can do in the Asian film industry. Needless to say when the film does have a memorable moment, it is frequently do to it being a reworked scene from the original, as when attempts to emulate Chan-wooks stylish violence as seen during a particularly sadistic torture session carried out by Joe on Samuel L. Jackson’s hotel manager / jailer the result comes off largely flat and lacking any of the morbid beauty that Chan-wook’s films have frequently brought to such matters.

While the film might frequently fail to capture the spirit of original, it cannot really be blamed on the assembled cast who despite being given what is ultimately watered down material to work with, they still manage to provide some great performances with Brolin easily carrying the film with his testosterone driven antics while still having the acting chops to take us on a journey with the character of Joe, who starts of as an portly alcoholic arsehole, who through his forced captivity is forced to face up to his personal demons while preparing himself for his eventual revenge. True he might not play it with the same feral roughness (he does get a pet mouse though) that we get with the original, but he still perfectly sells the final twist, which sees Brolin pulling the character to the complete opposite end of the scale in reaction to the final twist. It is however one which here like so many aspects is reworked into what I guess Lee saw as being a more acceptable ending for Western audiences. One major and unquestionably shocking aspect of the original’s ending, which I won’t reveal for those of you who havn’t seen it (the fans will know already which one) is kept intact and nicely worked in just when you think that they wouldn’t include it.

As the villain of the piece Copley continues to prove himself as a human chameleon as he continues to never play the same kind of role twice. Here he plays a camper but none the less calculating villain who shares similar motive to Lee Woo-Jin in the original but here Copley is a lot more playfully tormenting of Joe and takes great delight in the trails Joe is forced to go through, were as Lee Woo-Jin played it cool throughout. While Copley is on great form here, he does lack the memorable presence even though he is frequently delightfully evil and comes with a devilish bodyguard (Haeng-Bok) who sadly gets a chance for a great showdown with Joe squandered.

A flawed yet strangely watchable remake and even despite entering the film with a low opinion it still turned out to be a surprisingly enjoyable experience. True it might be a more edited version than Lee would have liked (if we are to believe his latest rants) and I would be interested to see what got cut and if it improved or detracted from the film (something which was certainly the case with the “Donnie Darko” director’s cut). Still as remakes go this is certainly one of the better ones out there, even if its unwanted status will mean that many will avoid it out of loyalty for their love of the original. This film however is worth a curious watch, only if to reinforce your love for the original the talent of Park Chan-wook all the more.

Class of Nuke 'Em High

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Title: Class of Nuke ‘Em High

Director: Richard W. Haines, Lloyd Kaufman
Released: 1986
Starring: Janelle Brady, Gil Brenton, Robert Prichard, Pat Ryan Jr., James Nugent Vernon, Brad Dunker, Gary Schneider, Theo Cohan, Gary Rosenblatt, Mary Taylor, Rick Howard, Lauren Heather McMahon, Arther Lorenz

Plot: Strange things are afoot as Tromaville High School, with nuclear radiation leaking into the school from the power planet next door, things only get weirder when Warren and Chrissy are unwittingly given radioactive pot.

Review: The films of “Troma Entertainment” have always been an acquired taste to say the least, as despite frequently feeling the wrath of the critics with each new film they release, they have at the same time continued to be supported by a rabid fan base. After all what other studio can boast its own free festival promotional team made up completely of its fans? Equally Troma owner Lloyd Kaufman has frequently played a similar role to Roger Corman in assisting up and coming directors and actors in getting their first breaks in the industry including “Guardians of the Galaxy” director James Gunn (Tromeo and Juliet), “South Park” creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker (Cannibal! The Musical) and even J.J. Abrams (Nightbeast) to name but a few! At the same time Kaufman has been equally keen to inspire others to make their own trash movies with his now dated due to their focus on shooting on film, but still amusing “Make Your Own Darn Movie” series of books.

Needless to say a Troma film is always a unique experience and this is none the less true here, with the film opening with nerdy student Dewey (Lorenz) accidently drinking nuclear waste out of a drinking fountain before suddenly freaking out and punching classmates before finally throwing himself out of a window, where he proceeds to melt into a gooey puddle on the concrete. Still this incident pales in comparison to the general issues that Tromaville High School has, with the hallways lined with random horny students constantly making out, while the debate team have turned into a psychotic biker gang called “The Cretins”, while look like rejects from “The Warriors” with their truly random styling, including Gonzo (Dunker) who dresses like a tribal warrior and even welds a bone while wearing a stupidly huge nose ring. Still within this mass of random characters none of whom seem to belong in the same movie, we have the young and innocent (well compared to their classmates) lovers Warren and Chrissy who after smoking the radioactive pot, which the Cretins are marketing as “Atomic High” picked from the nearby power plant they soon find themselves suffering from bizarre side effects with Warren soon gaining super strength, while the two are soon overcome with overwhelming horniness.

No doubt this all sounds random enough, but this of course is before you take into account the genre hoping antics taking place within the film as it switches between a horror, teen sex comedy and even superhero elements as Warren set out to take out the members of the Cretins, in a scene which comes across like a throwback to Troma favourite “The Toxic Crusader” as he appears with a mutated head and toxic waste squirting out of his ears. However despite this radical change he randomly be back to normal by the next time we see him. Still this is all without mentioning the mutant monster which Chrissy vomits into the school toilet only to later come back in its adult form for the finale where it soon sets about making short work of the remaining members of the cast.

The film is packed with the trademark splatter the Troma has over the years become renown for, all of course done with old school effects which are certainly creative to say the least, especially when they include Warren jamming his arm down one gang members throat, while another gang member gets his head punched through by Chrissy’s monstrous offspring. These of course just a few of the gory delights contained within, with Kaufman once again showing his ability to stretch a budget which is not limited to him intentionally changing the original name of the film from “Nuke ‘Em High” in hopes of people mistaking it for “Class of 1984”, with his crafty financial ways even making the mutant monster seem impressive despite it being incomplete at the time of filming, meaning that you never see the full creature only it’s hands and face, it still comes off pretty impressive and even more when you compare it to the CGI creations of late.

Moving at a rapid pace there always seems to be something happening throughout the film, even if it frequently fails to make a whole lot of sense, while the frequent bouts of gore and violence, provide most of highlights especially when the story so frequently feels like they are making it up as they go, which could knowing Troma be all so true. However the film in best b-movie / exploitation style does show you things you things you’d be unlikely to see anywhere else (and often with good reason) with the Cretin’s taking over the school and riding their motorcycles through the halls being especially memorable, much like the drug fuelled dreams of Warren and Chrissy which not only feature mutations aplenty, but also Warren sporting a monster (literally in this case) erection as he makes not so much a tent but a marque with his bed sheets. As with the majority of Troma’s output it is hard to recommend this film, as like most of John Water’s early film it is more a case of challenging you to experience it and make up your own mind, as this film is no different as its one you will either love or hate. Needless to say someone clearly did love this as it spawned two sequels which I guess I have doomed myself to watching at some point, much like I did by watching “Leprechaun” and while your regular movie goer will no doubt despise this, bad movie fans should atleast give this a look even if it does largely linger around the ass end of okay throughout.  

The Star Wars Holiday Special

On May 25, 1977 George Lucas created with “Star Wars” the summer blockbuster, launching a saga which go onto be one the most popular franchises of all time, while giving nerdy males like myself something to fill all that time we had on our hands from you know not being able to talk to girls etc, while raking in $4.41 Billion in box office revenue from the films alone and this doesn’t include the money generated from the countless spin off’s and merchandise…because after all no home is complete without it’s glow in the dark lightsaber!

Needless to say George Lucas has frequently tried to torpedo his cash cow with some shall we say interesting directions in which he chose to take the franchise with the first of these being in “Return of Jedi” which introduced the Ewoks, a creation which grew out of his desire to have a village of Wookies which somehow turned into these monstrosities which as we all know, were greeted by much disgust by the fan base, while also being one of the few cute and cuddly characters that people didn’t mind seeing being blown up. Still these would seem quite passable by the time that “The Phantom Menace” finally came out sixteen years later and unleashed the now legendary (and not in a good way) “Jar Jar Binks” which once again caused further venom to be unleashed by the fan verse as well as the occasional burning effigy, as Lucas had finally managed to create something even crappier than those bloody teddy bears!!

Alas there would be something would top both these thing in terms of overwhelming badness, so much so that it would only ever be shown once in 1978 only to ever reappear on bootleg VHS copies as all those involved tried to forget it had ever been created. I am of course talking about “The Star Wars Holiday Special” and seeing how this December I am celebrating an “Alternative Christmas” what better time to revisit this rightfully forgotten cash in.

Riding high on success of “A New Hope” the story follows Han Solo and Chewbacca as they travel to Chewbacca’s home planet Kashyyk to celebrate Life Day with Chewie’s family who comprise of his father Itchy, his wife Malla and son Lumpy all of which would be later retconned to Attichitcuk, Mallatobuck and Lumpawarrump, rather than taking the more sensible choice of just killing them off. Still these bargain basement Wookie costumes you best get used to watching, as they are you main company for pretty much the whole run time of this thing, while their various grunts and growls are even more nonsensical when they are the only characters on screen, often meaning that Art Carney seen here as the trader and family friend Saun Dann is left to try and string things together for those of us who don’t speak Wookie, while the audience wonders why they aren’t getting to see their favourite heroes instead of these second rate characters.

Meanwhile the Empire are busy searching for rebel agents on the planet after losing Han and Chewie, whose attempts to elude the Empire once again forms the mainback bone of the plot, which is intercut with random cameo appearances by Luke Skywalker, C3PO, R2-D2 and Princess Leia, aswell as several variety show style segments, musical performances and a cartoon, all of which add up to a two hour car wreck of a holiday cash in.

Still what is most interesting about this special is that all the cast return to play their characters, something unheard of for a special of this type and something which they would all later regret upon the release of the final product, with Lucas rarely commenting on it and seemingly refusing to acknowledge it’s existence, while Carrie Fisher would provide her commentary for the Star Wars DVD’s on the condition that Lucas gave her a copy, somthing which she openly admits to showing at parties, usually when she wants everyone to leave. Still these appearances outside of Chewie and Han Solo are pretty much glorified guest appearances with the majority of the special being left to Chewie’s family to irritate the audience with their painfully unfunny attempts at humour while preparing for Life Day or eluding the Empire.

Still if the antics of Chewie’s family were not annoying enough we also get even more unlikable characters introduced via various celebrities of the time who will no doubt be unrecognizable to most people not born back then, as they try to earn some cool points and no doubt an easy pay check off the back of the Star Wars craze, so hence we get Harvey Korman (yep i’ve no idea who he is either) showing up in three separate skits, with the most memorable of these being the mildly amusing “Cooking with Chef Gormanda” a four armed cook who Malla struggles to keep up with. Meanwhile his appearance as a malfunctioning droid in an instructional video is just painful to watch. Still slightly better is “Golden Girls” star Bea Arthur as a bar tender at Mos Eisley cantina, which also see’s a welcome return of the various residents and cantina band, though her bursting into “Good Night, But Not Goodbye” will have you quickly looking for the fast forward button.

This random musical interlude is not the only questionable musical moment, as Princess Leia even bursts into a song set to the tune of the Star Wars theme, which unsurprisingly didn’t catch on and hence why you always get folks trying to warble the instrumental version. I did wonder though why “What do you buy a Wookie for Christmas, when he already has a comb” didn’t make the special.

Outside of the amateur hour operatic’s we also get musical performances by both “Jefferson Starship” and “Diahann Carroll” both of which quickly descend into 2001 style acid trip light shows , while Carroll’s performance is creepily watched by Chewie’s father as Carroll informs him that she is his “fantasy” while inviting him to “experience her”, while certainly not made any less creepy by the fact that Itchy is sitting in a machine pressing buttons which supposedly control the experience, which also brings into question if sex with a wookie is classed as bestiality?

So while the majority of the special is plain garbage there is still one good thing to come out of this and like the penny in the pile of shit, it is the first ever appearance of Boba Fett!! That’s right the coolest character in the whole of the Star Wars Universe made his debut here in the cartoon segment of the special, which take the term “Artistic License” to whole new level meaning that we get a rubbery looking R2-D2 and a version of Han Solo which bares a striking resemblance to Mick Jagger. Still it’s a fun first appearance for Boba Fett and is the only real reason to sit through the rest of the special which no doubt explains why it’s in the third quarter and not at the start.

To say that the special is flawed, is to put things lightly as honestly it deserves to have any copy in existence gathered up and burned and should in no reason what so ever be attempted to view while sober, with laces in your shoes or without atleast a couple of friends to heckle to hell out of it, neither of which I had for this last viewing which created an experience which is nothing short of cinematic root canal surgery…..you have been warned!!