Hard Ticket To Hawaii

Title: Hard Ticket To Hawaii

Director: Andy Sidaris
Released: 1987
Starring: Ronn Moss, Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton, Harold Diamond, Rodrigo Obregon, Cynthia Brimhall, Patty Duffek, Wolf Larson, Lorry Green, Peter Bromilow

Plot: When two DEA agents are killed on a private Hawaiian island, Agents Donna (Speir) and Taryn (Carlton) soon intercept as part of their investigation a delivery of diamonds belonging to drug lord Seth Romero who plans to flood Hawaii with drugs by taking over the island of Molokai.

 

Review: The second film in director Andy Sidaris’s “Triple B” series (Boobs, Bullets and Bombs) of loosely attached films in which Sidaris casts Playmates / Penthouse Pets as the leads in his series of over the top action films with this film being one which I recently got to discuss on the “Exploding Helicopter” podcast. Now If you’ve ever seen any of Sidaris’s other films you will already know what to expect going into this film, as Sidaris essentially picked up were Russ Meyer left off as he shares Meyer’s love for amply breasted ladies, moulding his films around this love by casting them as his feisty leads in these otherwise by the book 80’s action fests with a healthy side order of cheese.

The plot is as paper thin as it is nonsensical with Sidaris padding out the plot with a healthy dose of nudity and softcore sex scenes, aswell as a random sub-plot involving a seemingly invincible killer snake. This however does not stop it from being a fun ride and all the more unsurprising that it has more recently gained a real cult following, if especially for some of the more truly bonkers scenes including the much discuss assassination attempt, by an assassin riding a skateboard and while holding a blow up sex doll!

While the girls are more than capable of handling things on their own, the girls are joined by fellow agents Rowdy (Moss) who can seemingly can only use a bazooka to hit anything (by his own confession no less) making me wonder what exactly the entrance requirements are for their agency, while Jade (Dimond) brings some killer kickboxing skills. Both 80’s action hero cut outs, yet still make for an amusing double act whenever they are left to their own devices or have one of the numerous attractive ladies to distract them.

The action scenes are one of the main selling points and other than the appeal of gratuitous nudity; Sidaris crafts several great action scenes which are so amusingly over the top it’s hard to not use these moments to see past the numerous other flawed parts of the film. After all what other film sees a bazooka being showcased as having so many uses, including being used at point blank range with zero effect on the shooter. Such leaps in realism are scattered throughout the film with the real jump the shark moment coming when Rowdy takes out a guard using a razorblade Frisbee in yet another standout moment. Still this is also a world where the characters have movie posters on the wall of the directors other films hanging on the wall.

The acting on show here is surprisingly better than you would expect from a cast which largely consists of glamour models. This is not to say that its Oscar worthy, but certainly its not being hammed up, with the general feeling being that the cast and director were genuinely trying to make a good movie, something only further reinforced by the introduction provided by Sidaris and Julie Strain, even Sidaris spends most of it complimenting the looks of his leading ladies.

True this might be abit of a cornball action movie, with more than a handful of outlandish moments, but then this really is all part of its charm and makes it only the easier to understand its cult appeal. This isn’t award winning film making but at the same time it’s a world apart from the intentionally bad efforts churned out by the likes of “The Asylum”, while it more than lives up to its triple b promise, with enough boobs, explosions and gunfire to keep things intresting. So watch it with an open mind and a few like-minded friends and it’s a blast. So buy a ticket and just enjoy the ride.

Bikini Bandits Experience

Title: Bikini Bandits Experience

Director: Steve Grasse

Released: 2002

Starring: Maynard James Keenan, Dee Dee Ramone, Jello Biafra, Corey Feldman, Peter Grasse, Larry McGearty, Bret Reilly, Heather-Victoria Ray, Heather McDonnell, Betty San Luis, Cynthia Diaz, Robyn Bird, Clark O’Donnel

Plot: Following the Bikini Bandits a four strong gang of bikini loving, muscle car driving and machine gun welding bad asses, as they embark on a series of ever more random adventures, which see them being sent to hell and even traveling though time.

Okay I couldn't find a trailer, but this is pretty much what the whole film is like

Review: Honestly I originally had zero plans to review this film, happy to write it off as another zero which failed to turn out more. However since that original viewing something strange happened as I found myself still thinking about the film and frequently finding myself talking about it to other cult cinema fans, about this film which is honestly largely a horrible mess, yet at the same time projects an aura that somewhere in this hour long jumble of ideas and random plots there was something special lurking under the titillating and confused surface.

Originally the Bikini Bandits were launched as a series of short films via the now defunct Atomfilms.com and would be there that the series slowly gained a cult following of sorts as the girls embarked on a series of increasingly random adventures the majority of which have now been edited into this film. At the same time they have also been padded out with new shorts which see director Grasse taking stabs at American consumerism via home shopping commericals for the fictional conglomerate Gmart, aswell as going off on further random tangents with the beyond creepy “Morning Yoga” and the seemingly shot on the cuff “Zembo” segments were a fez wearing Zembo basically harasses unsuspecting members of the public about if they know who the Bikini Bandits are. Needless to say with the exception of the Gmart segments which also features a John Waters Alike who along with his fellow host stop them from seeing like yet more filler thanks to their tone perfect performances.

Due to the film essentially being a best of collection of those original shorts loosely tied together with increasingly random filler, the film is unquestionably disjoined to say the least and makes for an experience similar to watching TV while your ADD suffering friend frequently flicks through the channels. At the same time the various misadventures the bandits find themselves on haven’t been developed beyond their original shorts so hence most of the adventures revolve around the girls finding themselves in an interesting situation before Grasse turns it into yet another excuse for cheap thrills as the stories are often suddenly ended with the girls engaging in some form of Andy Sidaris inspired slap and tickle or tormenting whatever male character happens to be nearby. Of course such antics are not only kept to the Bandit segments as they also make up a series of mock adverts for muscle cars, which generally consist of bikini clad ladies welding guns and draping themselves over the car. Still if this wasn’t enough titillation for you already, we also get the “Imports Suck” segement which consists solely of bikini clad ladies taking sledgehammers to a car….still whatever floats your boat right. How much of the film was inspired by the films of Andy Sidaris who essentially pioneered the Girls and guns film with the likes of “Return to Savage Beach” and “Hard Ticket To Hawai” its hard to say especially when it also seems to be a questionable homage to as well as grindhouse cinema, if perhaps with none of the style that Rodriguez and Tarantino brought with their own homages which kick-started the Neo-grindhouse genre.

The only developed story we do get being “Bikini Bandits Go To Hell” thanks to its original multipart structure which sees the girls being the girls being tasked by Giant penis codpiece wearing Satan (Keenan) to deflower the Virgin Mary or face being forced to watch 80’s favourite Corey Feldman dance for all eternity. It is probably around this point were most people will choose if they stick with this film or not, especially when Grasse doesn’t seem to give much a damn about who he offends, as he frequently it would seem is aiming to offend whenever possible. This in turns leads me to my main peeve with the this film in its frequent use of the word retard, with the apparent thinking that the mental handicapped make for the best source of amusement, especially with two of the stories revolving around such characters. The film though is always at its strongest when playing things straight and not aiming for such crude stabs at comedy, while these misfire attempts at comedy can't help but bring to mind "The Underground Comedy Movie" which was yet another underground series turned into a feature with equally questionable results.

Surprisingly for such a T&A focused film the performances aren't overly bad, even if the girls are hardly being forced to do anything overly challenging performance wise, which can’t be said for most of the male cast, who often end up coming off like crude and overplayed but then the majority are played by Grasse’s brother Peter so chances are that Grasse was saving budget by having him play so many roles. Rounding out the cast though we do also get a number of interesting musical cameos with Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan really giving a standout performance as Satan, while Dee Dee Ramone makes for an interesting choice to play the pope, especially as he doesn’t exactly seem to know where he is as he bumbles from through his lines. Elsewhere we also get Dead Kennedys frontman Jello Biafra appearing as a sleazy porn producer which sadly sees him majorly underused.

The most interesting casting choice here though is Corey Feldman appearing here as, well err…himself. What makes his appearance here so interesting is just how clear it is that he had no clue what he was signing up for, which is only made the clearer when Grasse includes what appears to be footage of an unsuspecting Feldman slagging off the film and making comments about what a piece of trash it is and how he’s been made to look like a joke. True it’s hard to fault his reasoning especially when his contributions are so random and range from him busting some Michael Jackson style movies to having a drag race with an overweight Mexican masked wrestler. However when combined with the rest of the film it hardly seems out of place especially with the logic that this film runs on. On the whole though it is hard to tell if his casting was out of an obsession with his 80's glory days and that having cast him realised that they had nothing for him to do, of if it was to truly see what they could get away making his current career stalled self do.

Despite running for a mere 60 minutes the experience does feel a lot longer, yet it is hard to fault that there is still something about this film, in much the same way that there is with films like “The Room” and “Boardinghouse”. True it might seem like it is intentionally trying to emulate the so bad its good style of those films, but this film has enough weird ideas and general titillation to make it the sort of film that’s fun to dig out and maybe freak out your friends with.

The Losers

Title: The Losers

Director: Sylvain White
Released: 2010
Starring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Zoe Saldana, Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Columbus Short, Óscar Jaenada, Jason Patric, Holt McCallany

Plot: Presumed to be dead after being double crossed by the mysterious Max (Patric), Clay (Morgan) and his special forces team nicknamed "The Losers" are given a chance for revenge when they are tracked down by the mysterious Aisha (Saldana), a beautiful operative with her own agenda.

 

Review: With the key comic properties like Spiderman and Superman now essentially being tied up either by the major studios or Marvel themselves thanks to the success of their own Marvel studios a gamble which it is safe to say has more than paid off with their Phase one series of films. So with the public demand in the last few years for comic book movies and the studios as always looking for any way to milk a trend, it is hardly surprising that more indie comics have started seeing big screen adaptations, a trend which it’s safe to say that this film belongs in.

Based on the comic book series of the same name, released by DC Comic’s as part of their Vertigo imprint, which also serves as a home to fellow indie favourites Sandman, 100 bullets and Fables, while also providing movie fodder on more than one occasion with Hellblazer (which became “Constantine”), A History of Violence and V for Vendetta all being released via Vertigo. Still the series is hardly known outside of comic book fans, making it an usual choice for a film adaptation and meaning that upon its original release, most movie goers didn’t even realise it was a comic book movie.

Like the A-team on crack, this group of ex-special forces operatives, each bring their own special set of skills, while working under Clay’s leadership, a man guided by his own moral compass and one which soon leads to their attempted murder by Max. Making up his team of self-titled losers are

• Jensen (Evans) – Intelligence specialist and computer hacker, aswell as the groups oddball and comic relief.
• Pooch (Short) – transport specialist, so if it rolls or flies he is all over it, aswell as the owner of a dog bobblehead, whch somehow makes it into every vehicle he gets behind the controls of.
• Cougar (Jaenada) – The almost permanently mute sharpshooter with an affection for his cowboy hat.
• Roque (Elba) – Demolitions

While the group make up might hardly be anything new, the way in which they choose to operate, acting like a group of superheroes who don’t actually have any superpowers, while using largely guerrilla tactics with a heavy dose of humour to get the job done, with this intoxicating blend really helping them to stand out from the groups which came before them. Aisha meanwhile plays the wild card of the group with her dubious sense of alliance to the group, while marking the start of Saldana establishing herself as an action heroine, something she would continue with “Colombiana” a character none to dissimilar to the character of Aisha, especially seeing how both are more than capable of looking after themselves, let alone packing their own impressive armoury of weapons as especially seen here, as she proves herself more than capable of holding her own with the boys on more than one occasion, as highlighted by a couple of room trashing fistfights with Clay while reaching a pinnacle of badassery when she appears suddenly welding a rocket launcher under one arm at the finale.

Meanwhile the losers themselves are capable of unleashing their own brand of hell, even if they are generally more low key about it, with any outlandish action heroics kept to mainly to the opening and finale which also include this shining moment of badassery from Cougar, which makes me wonder why more people haven’t pick up on this film.

The rest of the time, they tend to stick to more low key infiltration and engaging in the occasional round of military grade grand theft auto, while director White continually gives the impression that he is atleast trying to do something which hasn’t been seen 100 times before. Still it is an infectious mix of comedy and action which White brings to the table, most of it via Jensen a character which Evans is clearly having a ball playing, as he always has a wise crack no matter how dire his situation gets, while more randomly even managing to convince a group of security guards that he has the power of mind Bullets!

The casting here is great while especially spot on with Morgan, making a great lead for the group with his gruff charm and gravelly voice and after seeing him previously as The Comedian in “Watchmen” it is nice to see him playing a more lighter character, that you don’t feel so guilty for liking, which was always the problem with the Comedian. What fails though with his casting in this role is the unlikely romance his character has with Aisha, which while important to the storyline still comes off as clumsily handled. Elsewhere Patric is suitably villainous as Max, always sharply dressed while carrying a dark sense of humour as he argues with his henchmen over mistakenly interpreted nods, after said henchman throws one of his scientists off a roof, while equally prone to random acts of violence as he shoots a girl carrying his umbrella for allowing the sun to momentarily shine on him.

For one reason or another this film never got its due upon its release and like the equally overlooked “Shoot Em Up” has been left for the action fans to rediscover, now it has been largely forgotten by most, which only makes it more of a shame when this film is so much fun from start to finish, while giving us a group whom I would have loved to have seen further adventures with, something I seriously doubt we will be seeing anytime soon, so for now we might aswell just enjoy it for what it is. A one shot curiosity and a snapshot of what could have been, but one worth giving a look none the less.