Alternative Christmas Countdown 2016

 

For those of you who follow the Facebook / Twitter feed will know already that this year I ran another Alt Christmas countdown with each day bringing something Alt. Christmas related be it a piece of music, a review or a short film as we countdown to Christmas!

You can also check out the original 2013 countdown here

Krampus In The Corner

 

The alt Christmas alternative for those kids too hip for "Elf on a Shelf" created by Silent Orchid Studios based on the character from Germanic folklaw who punished naughy children at Christmastime.

 

 

Patton Oswalt - Christmas Shoes

 

Patton delves into possibly one of the worst Christmas songs ever.

Wes Anderson Christmas

Inititally mistaken for a new Wes Anderson feature. Here though he crams in a brief runtime his distinctive style and characters to create a charming little short which sadly has already been butchered for its TV release, but here it is in its original form.

 

 

DRYVRS Ep.1 - Just Me In The House By Myself starring Macaulay Culkin

 

Ever wondered what happened to Kevin after the first two "Home Alone" movies?

 

 

Christmas Carolling with Rowdy Roddy Piper

 

The legendry Rowdy Roddy Piper takes us through his alternative take on the 12 days of Christmas with a voice like melted gold.

 

 

 

Santa Vs. Jesus Wrestling

 

The battle for Christmas is waged in the ring thanks to Freakshow Wrestling

 

 

Bonus: Knockouts Santa's Workshop Streetfight - From TNA wrestling this match from the glory days of their Knockout Division is not only festive themed but features Christy Hemme going nuts with a doll, before getting full on kicked in the chest.

 

John Water's Why I Love Christmas

 

The maestro of bad taste cinema shares his thoughts on the holiday season. 

 



 

Weird Al Yankovic - Christmas at Ground Zero

 

 

Santa With Muscles

 

The Franchise Killer Hulk Hogan kills his own acting career, but is it really as bad as IMDB would have you belive it is?

http://fromthedepthsofdvdhell.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/santa-with-muscles.html

 

 

 

Nick Helm - (Hey Johnny) There Ain't No MotherFuckin' Santa Claus

Surely the song we should all be pushing for the Christmas number 1!

 

 

Hunter S. Thompson Sets Christmas Tree On Fire, Nearly Burns His House Down

 

Not even Christmas is free from Thompson's trademark brand of chaos as seen here by the raging inferno he unleashes.

 

 

 

Treevenge

Short horror film by Jason Eisener (Hobo With A Shotgun) as the Christmas trees decide to revolt and take revenge on the humans. A fun little short outside of the ending which arguable goes too far, but the lead up is packed with his usual neo-grindhouse charms.

 

The Spirit of Christmas Shorts

Before South Park Trey Parker and Matt Stone gave us these two short films, which would lay the template for South Park, while becoming cult favourites on the tape trading scene.

Jesus Vs. Frosty (1992)

Jesus Vs. Santa (1995)

 

 

Psycho Santa Pranks

I love a bad Santa so needless to say this series of pranks really tap into what I love about the Alt. Christmas season.

 

 

Kaiju Christmas

Thanks to August Ragone for this fun track

 

 

 

Bobcat GoldWait on the True Meaning of Christmas

 

Boy competitions where a lot better back in the late 80's. I just love the fact that MTV essentially missed the message of "Scrooged" by letting you be your very own Tyrant




Liam Nesson Auditions as a Shopping Mall Santa

So wonderfully creepy it makes me hope that they sign him up for an Alt Christmas movie soon!

Jimmy Kimmel - I Gave My Kids A Terrible Present

 

What's the point of having kids if you can't torment the hell out them right? Needless to say these kids were less than thrilled with this one.

 

 

 

Full Metal Rudolph

Hmm the opening of Full Metal Jacket and the children's classic "Rudolph" because those two things go together

 

Bonus: Apocalypse Pooh - Because who doesm't want to see the Hundred Acre Wood spliced with Francis Ford Coppola's Vietnam classic

 

Star Trek Christmas Decorations

Yours for a mere $199

 

 

 

 

Top 6 Christmas Specials

 

A list of my favourite Christmas episodes from "Black Mirror" and "South Park" through to the one episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that's actually still worth watching.  

 

 

Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special

While this never made it over to the UK, watching it now its hard not to get caught up in just how wholesome and fun it is. Also how long is that guest list!

 

 

 

Happy Christmas to all my readers and friends. Thanks for your continued support and here's to a kickass 2017!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Santa With Muscles

Title: Santa With Muscles

Director: John Murlowski

Released: 1996

Starring: Hulk Hogan, Ed Begley Jr. , Don Stark, Robin Curtis, Kevin West, Garrett Morris, Diane Robin, Kai Ephron, Steve Valentine

Plot: When arogant millionaire Blake Thorn (Hogan) recives a blow to the head, he is convinced by shopping mall elf Lenny (Stark) that he is Santa Claus. Meanwhile evil scientist and germaphobe Ebner Frost (Begley Jr.) is plotting to take over a local orphanage to steal the magical crystals uless Blake can stop him.

Review: Constantly referred to as one of the worst movies ever made as further reinforced with its position as one of IMDB’s bottom 100 movies but as someone whose seen more than my share of bad movies I had to wonder if it could possibly be that bad, let alone worse than the likes of “The Wrecking Crew” or "Deaden”.

Coming towards the end of Hogan’s acting career though the quality of said acting greatly varied as he went from mainstream productions and cameos before drifting into more DTV fare with this film really marking the start of this period ironically released the same year as his last theatrical production “The Secret Agent Club” both directed by John Murlowski and really on polar opposites of the terrible movie spectrum to each other making me wonder how the same director / actor combo could produce two films so wildly different in quality to each other.

Opening to Blake stalking and beating up his own staff as part of some bizarre training regime, it pretty clear that he is kind of a jackass while at the same time I couldn’t help but feel as Hogan goes through a juvenile routine not only with the staff but also while playing paintball that in some way he was trying to emulate Adam Sandler in “Billy Madison” which was released the previous year. Needless to say its pretty random to see Hogan trying to convingly pull off such a performance, let alone the fact that he’s suddenly gained an equally random hair piece. At the same time no explanation is given for this man-child behavior as while Billy Madison was a spoilt rich kid born into money, Blake is a self made millionaire thanks to his line of protein shakes and bodybuilding equipment but from the way he acts during these opening scenes it makes you wonder how exactly this was even possible.

Still once he gets a blow to the head he’s found by the opportunistic Shopping Mall elf Lenny (Stark) who for some reason convinces Blake that he is Santa. From their first meeting its pretty clear what Lenny is planning as he plots to rip Blake off though for some reason in this world which the film is set cash points need your fingerprint and even then the machine is picky over which hand you use. You have to admire his dedication to his half baked scheme as the pair soon find themselves at the orphanage and he’s forced to don an adult sheep onesie which magically appears from somewhere, unless he’s been carrying it around with him all this time.

Its when we are introduced to Ed Begley Jr’s villainous Ebner Frost that things really start to get weird here as he seems to have hired a bunch of failed wrestler idea to act as henchmen despite starting positively with the electro gloved Dr. Watt (Robin) though it goes drastically downhill from here as we get the evil chemist Dr. Vial (Ephron) whose about spraying farts in people faces which made me wonder who the hell wrote this, especially when their duo is joined by the evil geologist (but of course) Dr. Flint (West). The bumbling henchmen lead by evil doctor Blight (Steve Valentine) while crusing around in an Ice Cream truck for some random reason which is never explained much like why everyone that Blake fights uses a weapon relating to to their profession as seen with Dr. Blight using his stethoscope as a makeshift whip.

Its a real toss up between which is more ropey here the acting or the attempts at pulling off anything resembling an action scene. Upgrading his Santa suit with cut off sleeves and leather gloves Blake soon decides to punish the naughty boys and girls by beating the hell out of them which of course is such a great example to set in front of a bunch of orphans. At the same time no one really knows how to put together a fight scene so we get a lot of slop-fu here as Hogan throws snail paced punches and throws generic bad guys around while they fail around wildly around him. This of course is not even mentioning the fight between Blake and a white guy who clearly thinks he’s a samurai and only seems to be there so Hogan can give us his best Bruce Lee impression before kicking a bench into his face. It should equally be noted that for such a good brawler Blake is also knocked off a roof by a Christmas decoration!

The main issue here and there are certainly more than a few is that the film never seems to know who its audience is, as even when viewed as family fare it still feels that its playing things way too dumb and this is putting the already nonsensical plotting aside. While we might occasionally get the odd laugh or two its far too often a grind to sit through.

Saint

Title: Saint

Director: Dick Maas

Released: 2010

Starring: Huub Stapel, Egbert Jan Weeber, Caro Lenssen, Bert Luppes

Plot: On Dec 5 1492 the evil former bishop Niklas and his gang where killed by an angry mob of villagers who refused to be be intimidated by the bishop and his gangs reign of terror. Now they return to seek murderous revenge whenever the anniversary of their death coincides with a full moon.

Review: One of the great aspects of the alt. Christmas season is occastionally getting to see how different countries choose to celebrate the festive season with the standout example of this being “Rare Exports” aswell as the more recent interest in Krampus but here its the turn of the Dutch in particular the festival of Sinterklaas which takes place on the 5^th Decemeber the night before Saint Nicolas Day which Christmas Day was derived from. It of course only makes it all the more fitting when you consider the amount of Santa slashers out there that the Sinterklass mythos get a twisted re imagining as well.

Directed by Dick Maas who outside of directing music videos soley for classic rockers “Gold Earring” is no doubt best known for directing “Amsterdamned” and the killer elevator movie “De Lift” aswell as its English language remake “Down” and here he wastes little time setting the scene for the film as we open to slaughter of the a village by Niklas and his Zwarte Piet before they inturn are slaughtered and burned alive on their ship which is used to explain the black face appearance of the Zwarte Piet who at the same time are said to have black faces due to soot though to those not familiar with the mythos it can be kind of jarring to see characters being so enthusiastic about blacking up. From this opening we are quickly thrown into a second slaughter in which a young boy Goert (Luppes) is left the sole survivor who grows up to be a bitter police detective obsessed with getting his revenge.

Our main protagonist here though is teenager Frank (Weeber) who we see being dumped by his girlfriend during the exchanging of gifts being held by his class, which it seems is largely an excuse for the boys to give girls dildo as secret Santa gifts. Frank’s ex meanwhile gives him the gift of giving his stuff back not that he really cares of course seeing how he has secretly been seeing her best friend on the side. Things however take a turn for the worst when he escapes the massacre of his friends by Sinterklaas and his Zwarte Piet though the police not believing that Sinterklaas is anything than a myth are quick to label him the primes suspect in the murders happening around the city.

Shot at a brisk pace there really is very little fat to this movie as it feels like there is always something happening especially with the kill scenes being regularly peppered throughout the film including a jaw dropping chase scene which see’s Sinterklaas riding his horse along the city roof tops while being pursued by the cops.

Despite the largely fun tone of the film, there are actually a few surprisingly shocking moments of gore and splatter as limbs are regularly lopped of blood sprays in hosepipe spurts ensuring that it never gets too heavy. At the same time the make up effects are all fantastic and really add to these scenes especially the design of the zombie Sinterklass which really has a presence on the screen especially when accompanied by his horde of loyal foot soldiers.

The downside of the film comes with its weak ending which lacks any form of conclusion apart from giving us a nice big explosion, which somehow drives Sinterklass away rather than give us any proper kind of showdown which is only made the more disappointing when Goert is seemingly being built up for this climatic showdown which ultimately never comes. Still if you can get past this what we get here though is another fun international horror and one to file alongside the likes of “Rare Exports” and “Troll Hunter”

Krampus

Title: Krampus

Director: Michael Dougherty

Released: 2015

Starring: Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, Allison Tolman, Conchata Ferrell, Emjay Anthony, Stefania LaVie Owen, Krista Stadler

Plot: Max (Anthony) is losing faith in Christmas and while his dysfunctional family clash over Christmas plans he decides to not bother with the holiday at all while unwittingly summoning Krampus who plans to punish all the non-believers in town.

Review: Riding in on a surprise wave of popularity for the Krampus mythos that unsuprisingly saw a huge number of these films being released, the majority straight to DVD with this one unquestionably being the standout film, no doubt thanks to director Michael Dougherty being attached to the film whose best known for directing the cult holiday horror “Trick ‘r Treat”.

Now switching holiday’s to Christmas as he opens to slow motion crowds battling for holiday deals while introducing Max as he brawls with a portly bully during a nativity play which really sets the playfully chaotic tone of the film. Of course the tension between the family is only added to when Sarah’s (Collette) sister Linda (Tolman) and her redneck family roll into town for Christmas while also bringing aunt Dorothy (Ferrell) in tow.

Linda’s family are an amusing counter to Sarah’s who on the surface seem to be living this suburban dream in their perfect house. Linda’s family meanwhile are crass and slovenly which makes the casting of David Koechner as Linda’s husband Howard all the more perfect especially when he’s spent the best part of his career playing these kinds of characters. Thier kids meanwhile are no better as their daughters are a pair of tom boyish bully’s who when not wrestling in the lounge are tormenting Max making you wonder if they are playing the role of the sons that Howard wished he has, especially as his only son Howie Jr. (Flack) is an almost permanently mute lump.

This mixed bag of characters are of course forced to put their differences aside as a mysterious snow storm blows into town bringing with it Krampus. Now for those not familiar with the mythos of Krampus he is a character of Germanic folklaw who takes the form of a half-goat half-demon who like Santa rewards good children with presents while punishing those who have been bad. Needless to say its the punishing of the bad which takes the main focus here with Dougherty bringing a truly monstrous vision of the character to the screen and whose legacy is explained by Tom’s (Scott) German mother Omi (Stadler) with the flashback to her childhood encounter with Krampus being delightfully told via old school stop motion animation so that it resembles a twisted Rankin / Bass Production but its a great way to sell the mythos of this fantastical character.

In something of a switch-a-roo here Krampus is largely kept to the background as he plays the prankster taunting the family inside the house while unleashing various demonic toys aswell as his troupe of creepy masked elves. This might prove something of a disappointment for some especially with Krampus being shown as this hulk of a creation you’d expect him to be laying siege to the family home rather than tormenting them from afar. What makes up for it though are the demonic toys he unleashes on the family including a man-eating Jack in the Box aswell as a fantastic were-bear! The real standout here though are the killer gingerbread men who as soon as I saw them welding a nail-gun capturing that same anarchic sense of fun that made “Gremlins” such a blast.

The character design of these various demonic beasts are incredible as well as highly original in their contruction with Krampus for the most part seen in the distance of cut off by the screen, though by the time we do get to see his face at the end he still can be seen wearing a Santa mask, playing up the idea here that Krampus is Santa’s shadow / dark side. The elves keeping with the theme are also wearing creepy masks which really keeps with the dark theme and I appreciated the fact that they where kept to the final quarter making their sudden appearance all the more surprising and ultimately effective when they did appear.

While the film might not be heavy on splatter and gore it is none the less still an effective piece, with Dougherty building the tension for the first half before unleashing all kinds of chaos in the second half. While there might not be much in terms of gore, here is still manages more than a few surprising moments thanks largely to the demonic Jack-in the box while at the same time the order he chooses to despatch characters is far from as predictable as it might seem and certainly caught me by surprise when a character I expected to be there till the end was suddenly dispatched and its only the more credit to Dougherty that he will happily remove one of the children as willingly as any of the adult characters slowly whittling the group down to its key players as he builds to his biblical finale.

If I had one nagging point it would the ending which while it could certainly be perceived in a number of ways, my main issue came with the fact that it felt so tacked on and almost as if it has been added further to a note from an unhappy studio exec unwilling to let the film end on a potentially downbeat ending. Thankfully the ride up to this point that it makes it easier to get past especially when it ultimately isn’t taking anything away from the film as whole.

Dougherty really has created something special with Krampus and while part of me would love to see him follow it up with a part 2, the other side of me doesn’t want to do anything to risk ruining or watering down the experience he gives us here, let alone take away any of the mistique of his take on the creature. Needless to say this is one film I’d happily add into my year alt. Christmas rotation of films.

3615 code Père Noël aka: Deadly Games

Title: 3615 code Père Noël aka: Deadly Games

Director: Rene Manzor

Released: 1989

Starring: Brigitte Fossey, Louis Ducreux, Patrick Floersheim, Alain Lalanne, Francois-Eric Gendron, Stephane Legros

Plot: When Thomas is left alone with his frail Grandfather on Christmas Eve it is down to him to save them both from the psycho Santa who breaks into their mansion.

Review: Since hearing about this film on the “Cinema Sewer” podcast it has become something of an obsession to track it down as every copy I found was without subtitles or for some reason if it did have subs they where in Spanish, but finally the internet came though and I was able to get hold of a copy of this film which honestly was worth every bit of hassle in getting to see it.

Playing in many ways like a precursor to “Home Alone” we are introduced to the action movie and technology savy Thomas while a song which sounds strangely like “Eye of the Tiger” yet at the same time appears to be Christmas themed blasts away in the background. Thomas right from the start is quickly established especially when his introduced sporting a Patrick Swayze mullet and dressed up like his action heroes as he runs around his family mansion which we also find out he has wired up with all kinds of security devices and traps as demonstrated in the opening by him capturing his pet dog using a secret trapdoor.

Bizarrely his single mother Julie (Fossey) doesn’t seem to have any qualms about her son’s action movie obsessions or even more the fact that he is cutting holes in the floor for trapdoors which she happily jokes about over breakfast which I can pretty much tell you wouldn’t have happened with my own parents. Perhaps its because he looks after his frail and almost blind grandfather (Ducreux) that she gives him more leeway, but its an adorably close relationship that Thomas has with his Papy who is equally supportive of his Grandson’s hobbies while no doubt for adding a couple of questionable activities to his list of hobbies as he is in one scene shown having Thomas drive him around.

After his best friend Roland (Gendron) tells Thomas that Santa Claus doesn’t exists he puts together a plan to catch the jolly fat man on video using a surveillance system he’s wired up in the mansion which also means getting to see some wonderfully retro computer screen of his supposedly hi-tech system. Unfortunately the creepy and as it also turns out psychotic Santa (Floersheim) who Thomas’s mother just fired from her store after he got a little too handsy let alone violent with a young girl and now finding out that Thomas is home alone makes his way there to get his revenge.

Floersheim is unquestionably one of the creepiest killer Santa’s that I have seen as he spray paints his hair white with manic delight to his arrival in the mansion where he straight away kills in front of Thomas his pet dog while showing zero hesitation about such actions. From this point on we enter into that same territory which proved such a selling point for “Home Alone” as Thomas sets out to engage in Guerilla warfare with this killer while at the same time trying to ensure the safety of his grandfather. Unlike “Home Alone” or any of his 80’s cinema kid counterparts Thomas doesn’t turn into a wise cracking and fearless smart ass but instead remains a believable in his actions as he is frequently shown as being scared for both himself and his grandfather, to the point where he is shown during one low point calling out for his mum. Thanks also to the opening 30 mins it is believable that he would be able to construct the traps and gadgets he uses to battle the unnamed psycho

It should also be noted that unlike “Home Alone” the violence here isn’t slapstick nor is the intruding Santa some bumbling / near invincible buffoon but instead a dangerous and genuinely scary psychopath and to that end there is a real sense of realism I wasn’t expecting with this film. Still we do get some fun traps and gadgets being put together by Thomas such as a home-made crossbow which fires darts and a tracker he attaches via slingshot to the psycho’s back so that he is able to track his movements throughout the mansion while also providing a fun nod to “Alien” as the killer is constantly shown on the home-made scanner getting closer. The real standout moment though involves a booby trapped toy train which fails to go off when rolled towards the psycho who unwittingly rolls it back towards Thomas giving us this incredibly tense moment where we don’t know if he’s going to forced to abandon his hiding spot or not.

There is however one random moment where when cornered by the psycho, Thomas is randomly invited to partake in a game of hide and seek with the psycho going off to hide. I’m not sure if he thought this was the game they’d been playing all this time, or if its another of his attempts to play with children like we see at the start of the film when he attempts to join in a snowball fight with a group of kids on the street.

While the film being grounded in realism might seem that it might take away from the film, but instead it really brings a sense of tension to the film much like the sprawling mansion which the film is set in. It also means that by the end of the film we can see that Thomas much like his psycho tormentor have really been changed both mentally and physically by the events which have taken place over the course of the night and there was something in those final scenes of Thomas being reunited with his mother only to be shown on the inside that he has been deeply haunted by what he has to be endured and like his action heroes now forced to deal with the mental aftermath of surviving a situation like this compared to the Hollywood version where a hug from your mom makes things all better.

Unquestionably a film worth the hassle of hunting down as this breezy yet surprisingly tense thriller is an alt. Christmas classic sorely in need of an audience.

The Night Before

Title: The Night Before

Director: Jonathan Levine

Released: 2015

Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogen, Anthony Mackie, Lizzy Caplan, Jillian Bell, Michael Shannon, Mindy Kaling, Lorraine Toussaint, Jason Mantzoukas, Jason Jones, Ilana Glazer, Nathan Fielder, Tracy Morgan, James Franco, Miley Cyrus

Plot: Ethan (Gordon-Levitt), Isaac (Rogen) and Chris (Mackie) have been friends since they where kids and for a decade they have reunited every Christmas Eve to try and find the mythical Christmas Party “The Nutcracka Ball”. Now realising its time to move on they reunite one final time to try once and for all to find the mythical party which has continued to elude them.

Review: Jonathan Levine is something of a frustrating oddity as he’s given us indie curiosities like “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane” and “50/50” but at the same time he’s also the director responsible for giving us the Twilight for Zombies “Warm Bodies”.

For some reason I went into this film expecting another round of “50/50” style indie humour, but instead here Levine sways off into frat pack territory as he trades in the smart quips for pot humour and chaos which really only more of a shame when he’s heading up the film with such an incredible trio of actors as he builds on the pairing of Gordon-Levitt and Rogen he gave us in “50/50” by adding current favourite Anthony Mackie into the mix. The fact that the trio share such a natural chemistry with each other only making it all the easier to buy them as lifelong friends despite clearly being on opposite ends of the social spectrum from each other as Chris is making a name for himself as a pro football player despite using steroids to improve his performance. Isaac is happily married with his first child on the way though he is racked with worries about his parenting abilities. Ethan meanwhile is struggling musician who pays the bills working as a waiter while still trying to get over his girlfriend Diana (Caplan).

From this setup this could easily have been a decent indie comedy in the making, but as I mentioned already this film soon veers off into frat pack territory around the same time that Isaac’s wife (Bell) gives him alittle box of drugs to take on this final Christmas eve the trio are planning to spend together while the hunt for the mythical Nutcracker Ball turns out to be less of the frantic dash across New York expected al-la Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist but more a case of waiting for the location to be confirmed thanks to Ethan stealing tickets to the ball from the coat of some rich douchebag attending the party he’s working at.

Once we get into the reunion night for the guys the film soon turns into an ever escalating list of problems for the trio as Chris has to deal with a Hans Gruber obsessed thief (Glazer) while Isaac has a drugged fuelled meltdown during a midnight mass and while they might manage to get past their issues to reunite at the Nutcracker Ball the journey we follow them on just feels like it is missing something. Perhaps its because we aren’t having to embark on this epic quest to find the Nutcracker Ball and instead killing time waiting for a phone call that stops the film flowing aswell as it should have. At the same time this idle time does not work well for the film, especially as we have each of the trio going off on their own paths rather than staying together as a group which may have been the better move, especially as the film is always at its strongest when the three of them are together.

This is of course not to say that the film is lacking in fun moments as the Chopsticks scene from “Big” gets reworked into the fun rendition of Kanye West’s “Runaway” while keeping with the “Die Hard” references we also get a spirited rendition of Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” complete with some questionable dance moves. There is also some fun exchanges between the various characters with the best of these being their former High school teacher turned Pot dealer “Mr Green” who turns up frequently throughout the film to council each of the trio as he acts like a mythical guide of sorts and its a role which Michael Shannon really turns into something special than just a throwaway character which Mr Green so easily could have been.

Once we get into the Nutcracker ball its thankfully everything the film promises, while also an excuse for Levine to work in a couple of gratuitous cameo appearances from James Franco which itself felt more like an excuse to work in his ongoing homoerotic skits with Seth Rogen which here is boiled down to a phone mix up and some rather enthusiastic discussion about the size of Franco’s penis. Also on the cameo list is Miley Cyrus who is on hand to give a reworked rendition of “Wrecking Ball” to try and help Ethan win back his ex. While both are fun, neither add much to the film other than furthering the exclusiveness of the ball but when put against Michael Shannon whose own brief appearance effortless blows everything else out of the water. Mindy Kaling meanwhile continues to baffle how she keeps getting work, as once more its another flat performance, while her one big scene involving Isaac accidently dripping cocaine blood into her drink just falls flat leaving you wishing they’d just cut her out completely.

Its something of a shame to see a director like Levine aiming for the easy laughs, rather than trying to give us a more mature effort, but the crude humour aside this film still feels that its lacking the journey / quest that you’d expect from this kind of plot so that it just feels overly too easy. While there are still some fun moments to be had here, its just a lot more disposable a film than I was expecting let alone awhole less sharp. But if you want some throwaway festive viewing to accompany your food coma you can do worse.

Don't Open Till Christmas

Title: Don’t Open Till Christmas

Director:  Edmund Purdom
Released:  1984
Starring: Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Gerry Sundquist, Mark Jones, Kelly Baker, Caroline Munro, Kevin Lloyd, Pat Astley, Wendy Danvers

Plot: A serial killer is targeting anyone dressed as Santa in London, leaving Chief Inspector Harris (Purdom) to try and track down the killer while seemingly being taunted and offered clues by the mysterious reporter Giles (Lake)

 

Review:  For some reason when I think of British horror my mind for some reason always seems to go images of gothic castles and period set horror, no doubt thanks to the films of the legendry “Hammer Films”. As such it’s kind of refreshing to find a London set Festive slasher while also another of those titles eclipsed by the “Silent Night Deadly Night” franchise.

Opening to a POV killing being carried out by the killer, this is a film which really wastes little time getting started as even in the opening credits we have harm coming to a Santa….okay it’s a doll which is set on fire and slowly melts while the opening credits roll, but from here its back to more Santa slaying fun, while teasing the idea that the whole film is shot from a killers POV, which sadly it isn’t but atleast director Purdom makes up for it by having another cool kill, this time seeing the Santa being killed via a well-aimed spear while worse still in front of his daughter Kate (Mayne) and whose boyfriend Cliff is soon being suspected of the killings due to seemingly always being in the same place as the murders.

A pretty sleazy offering which might come from some expecting something more classy from a British production, but this film has a real “Christmas Evil” style of sleaze to it as the cobblestone streets and tourists spots are traded for shots of Soho and peep shows, even the first Christmas tree which see is a pathetic stick with a few decorations hung off it which even Charlie Brown would have been embarrassed by. Its off course only the more surprising that the film is as sleazy as it is with Purdom only agreeing to star in this film if he could direct aswell, so the fact that the film turned out the way it did when he had this level of control is pretty surprising.

Where it seems his focus was though for this film though was in finding ever unique ways to kill Santa’s which he really racks up quite the bodycount doing so as they are slashed, stabbed, set on fire and one even has his penis slashed while using the urinal which comes seemingly out of nowhere. There is also an impressive electrocution which is far more spectacular than any previous time I’ve seen this death on screen and next to the roasted Santa makes for a real standout moment for the film. Overall the gore is pretty light with the occasional splatter of blood, but none of the kills feel any less effective for holding back on the splatter.

Where the film really comes apart is with the actual tracking of the killer with Chief Inspector Harris bumbling his way through the case while never seemingly managing to get any kind of a solid leads, with his only ones often coming from the suspicious reporter Giles while the killer himself only taunts Harris further by sending him a wrapped gift with the titular "Don’t Open Till Christmas” message on the label. Elsewhere we get further bumbling from Kate and Cliff which isn’t as focused on the killer either as you’d expect with Kate’s father being killed as I mentioned already and Cliff being a prime suspect. Instead the pair hang outside a tube station busking and Cliff even tries to con Kate into doing porn, when he takes her to his friends porn studio and is essentially just an excuse for Pat Astley to show her boobs which I guess for fans of her work in porn and sex comedies was nothing new and seeing how long this scene is dragged out, with her often being barely covered by a little Santa cape while her being threatened with a straight edge razor brought to mind memories of the equally sleazy “New York Ripper”.

So what inspires someone to go on a Santa killing spree? Well once more its down to Santa being caught in a less than traditional position as like “Christmas Evil” its catching Santa having sex, in this case the killers father cheating on his mother and in full Santa gear no less, before bizzarly acting like he was wrong and knocking his wife down the stairs in a strange little flashback which also sees a child being given a switchblade for Christmas! True this might seem like a spoiler, but its clumsily tacked on the end similar to “Silent Night” almost as if Purdom suddenly realised that he’d spent too much time killing Santa’s and not actually spending any time explaining why the killer is doing what he’s doing.

No doubt I would be rating this movie higher if the last hour didn’t seem like such a mess with various plot threads suddenly being tied up so suddenly that it ends up coming off more than alittle confused, much like the killer suddenly choosing to add kidnapping to his list as he randomly abducts the stripper we see at the peep show earlier who he plans to sacrifice despite her not wearing anything Santa related or even remotely christmasy either.

While this might have its flaws its still enjoyable for the majority of the runtime to make it worth checking out, especially when it currently seems to be overlooked like the superior Christmas Evil. At the same time its London setting is a refreshing change and no doubt what made this film work more than had it been just another American slasher. Still for those of you who like your Santa slashers this is one certainly worth hunting down, even if it is not without its flaws.

Black Christmas (2006)

Title:  Black Christmas

Director:  Glen Morgan
Released:  2006

Starring: Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Crystal Lowe, Kristen Cloke, Andrea Martin, Oliver Hudson, Karin Konoval, Dean Friss, Robert Mann, Jessica Harmon, Leela Savasta, Kathleen Kole, Howard Siegel

Plot: Bily Lenz has been locked up in a mental asylum for the last 15 years after murdering his mother and her lover aswell as gouging out the eye of his sister. Now on Christmas Eve he escapes and returns to his former home only to find that has in the time since his incarcinration

 

Review:  Yet another remake while one which chooses to tackle Bob Clark’s 1974 original which as I covered in my review of the original was also one of the first slasher and one which would have a much more subtle tone than the slashers which followed in its wake. The remake however is very much a different beast as here director Glen Morgan tackling his second remake after “Willard” attempts to update the plot of the film by adding a back story for Bily while also upgrading the body count and violence seemingly in an attempt to craft a more traditional slasher out of the original.

As a result of this Morgan spends the first hour of the film attempting recreate the setup of the original film while cutting out some aspects such as the abortion dilemma and the fact that everyone seemingly was a drunk. It’s also within this first hour that Morgan also randomly attempts to work in a back story for Billy as we are treated to a series of flashbacks to his childhood and the events leading up to his incarceration, however these are not shown as one sequence but bizarrely spaced out into three separate segments which are clumsily dropped into the film often at the most random of moments. What makes this worse is the fact that none of these flashbacks really add anything to the film and seemingly were only included as a way to explain why Bily is the way he is, much like Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” remake only with much less successful results.

Here the character of Bily still makes his unique prank calls, only now he inexplicably suffers with severe jaundice due to liver disease and which in turn means that we now have to deal with a killer who looks like he’s auditioning for a live action version of “The Simpsons”. If that wasn’t bad enough his sister Agnes is a product of his mother raping him after she locks him in the attic to stop him revealing the fact that she had killed Billy’s father. When it comes to the kills he now also has a fetish for removing the eyes of his victims. Needless to say this is a much more gratuitous slasher we have this time around as subtly is thrown out the window in favour of splatter and a healthy body count.

Surprisingly Morgan had originally planned for this film to be closer to the original, having been friends with Bob Clark and only tackling the remake when he’d got Clark’s permission to do so. However during the production he frequently found himself clashing with producer Harvey Weinstein who insisted that he make the film more gory and part of the reason why Morgan has since disowned the film. Its equally worth noting that the fact that this film was a flop along with his remake of “Willard” caused Morgan to retire from directing which as of the time of writing has yet to change.

Despite Morgan’s feelings about the gore in the film it is one of the stronger aspects of the film when it works, as several moments in particular those involving eye balls being gorged or munched on. The other kills however all come with a high level of creativity which includes a death by ice skate and a falling icicle. This film also might be one of the only occasions I can think of where someone is killed by impaled on a Christmas tree more so when most Christmas trees only have to be looked at wrong to fall over so you have to excuse my scepticism that someone could actually be impaled upon one. Most of these deaths come after the hour mark for this film and once they start happening they quickly start to rack up with no real spacing between them which would be more of an issue if they weren’t so entertaining to watch.

The other main issue here is that none of the girls are particular distinguishable from each other, as they all share seemingly the same personality while once more seemingly been cast for their looks than their acting abilities as unlike the girls of the original I couldn’t really tell who anyone was especially when none of them really have any sort of basic character to define any of them. Infact the only character who gets any sort of character is our crazed killer Billy and that’s more down to the gratuitous amount of flashbacks we get more than anything else.

Consider that Morgan gave us the wonderfully daft Final Destination 1 & 3 I was expecting more from this film, hoping that the critical lashing it had received had been uncalled for. Sadly though this film fails to improve upon the original, though its hard to say if the fault lies with Morgan or the interference from Weinstein, more so when the finish film is left so uneven as it tries to find a place between the two ideas of how the film should be shot.  As such this is now just another failed remake while one scattered with hints of how much better it could have been.

Celia

Title:  Celia Aka Celia: Child of Terror

Director:  Ann Turner
Released:  1988
Starring: Rebecca Smart, Nicholas Eadie, Victoria Longley, Mary-Anne Fahey, Margaret Ricketts, Alexander Hutchinson, Adrian Mitchell, Callie Gray, Martin Sharman, Clair Couttie, Alex Menglet, Amelia Frid, William Zappa, Feon Keane, Louise Le Nay

Plot: Celia (Smart) is a nine year old with an active imagination growing up in 1950s suburban Melbourne, who constantly escapes into a fantasy world to escape the ongoing troubles around her, while society deals with both the fear of communism and the rabbit plague.

Review:  This might be the vaguest Alt. Christmas movie I’ve covered to date, especially when the sole link we get to Christmas is in the opening scene which see’s Celia’s class breaking up for the holiday, while the blackboard reads “Merry Christmas” that’s it! No Christmas trees or celebrations, just some festive words on a blackboard. So while the link might not be the greatest, it does however mean I get to cover this obscure Australian film which sits amongst the likes of “Lord of the Flies” and “War of the Buttons” with a playful dark side which at the same time left me wanting to compare this film to arguably Peter Jackson’s best film “Heavenly Creatures”.

 Right from the start director Ann Turner wastes little time in showing the audience an insight into the psyche of Celia which see’s here escaping from her troubled home life via her active imagination which see’s slime covered monsters lurking outside her window, while at the same time sharing a tight bond with the three Tanner kids who live next door and whose parents communist beliefs keep them isolated from the community. Its also through her eyes which we see various adult events unfolding from affairs and barbeques through to events happening in society such as the rabbit plague highlighted through news reel footage which really helps to capture the time period and especially the tensions of the time.

Its worth pointing out that this isn’t a horror film as for some reason the distributors were seemingly keen to market it as judging by the alternative “Child of Horror” title, no doubt the result of them not knowing how else to sell this film, which is understandable when it constantly seems to exist in its own unique world were Celia can switch between blood pacts and childish feuds with her cousin Stephanie (Frid) and her committing and covering up a violent murder with little concern for the consequences of her actions, while the mock hanging she carries out with her friends is awhole other thing entirely. That being said the film is frequently a fascinating and surreal film.

The feud with Stephanie continually makes for one of the pillars of the film here as they engage in a series of tit for tat exhanges, with their rivally seemingly spawned out of their polar world views as Celia fights against the rule governed world of adults, while Stephanie is more happy to submit and more often use them to get a Celia often via her policeman father. However this being said she too has her own bad seed moment when she chooses to brand Celia’s rabbit seemingly out of pure spite. For some reason these confrontations usually around the quarry where Celia and her friends prefer to hang out for no real reason, especially when there is nothing of any real interest there apart from an old shed and it was a setting that I constantly thought would lead to some big moment, but sadly it’s just a setting and nothing else.

The other main antagonist for Celia here is her father with who she has one of the more complicated relationship with as he constantly scoulds her for not following the rules or for her friendship with the Tanner’s especially when he finds out that they are communists. He’s also responsible for her losing her beloved pet rabbit “Murgatroyd” under the rules being enforced by the authorities as part of their attempts to curb the rabbit plague, however when given the chance to reclaim him, he’s happy for her to believe that he has died, despite finding him a couple of minutes earlier. These scenes of high bastardry being countered by scenes of her being taken fishing which only makes it the more confusing how we are supposed to feel about this relationship.

Due to Celia’s behaviour throughout the film its hard to know if this movie should be classed as a “Bad Seed” movie, especially with the events of the film being largely seen through her eyes, while her blonde hair and plats certainly bringing to mind Rhoda Penmark. At the same time a lot of her activities are carried out with her gang of sorts, making it more of a kids gone rogue movie.  

This is far from the most action packed or gory film which means that those horror fans looking for their bad seed fix might find themselves sorely disappointed as it features neither but the interactions between the characters and occasional set pieces really help to carry this film which does at time feel a lot longer as a result than its surprisingly short runtime and what stopped me from rating this film higher. That being said it has enough interesting and occasionally shocking moments to make this one worth hunting down,  more so when it’s the kind of film which is sadly not made enough in these times were films seem to fall into the category of high drama or blockbuster its films like this which make it so much fun to hunt down and experience these movies.

Silent Night

Title:  Silent Night

Director:  Steven C. Miller
Released:  2012
Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Jaime King, Donal Logue, Ellen Wong, Lisa Marie, Courtney-Jane White, Cortney Palm, John B. Lowe, Rick Skene, Brendan Fehr, Andrew Hughes, Kelly Wolfman

Plot: A serial killer Santa is on the loose in a small Midwest town picking off citizens on Christmas Eve and it’s down to the local police force to track him down before it’s too late.

 

Review:  A remake of sorts of the classic festive slasher “Silent Night Deadly Night” which unlike the original seemingly slipped under the radar for most horror fans, no doubt thanks to its direct to DVD release which inturn mean that it avoided any of the controversy that the original film was greeted with. This of course makes it only the more of a shame as this is one of those great rarities a decent horror remake!
 

It’s worth pointing out that going into this one I had no idea that it was actually a remake, happy to see another Santa Slasher and it only dawned on me after several scenes came off more than a little familiar. At the same time here director Steven C. Miller is clearly keen not to just remake the original shot for shot and here instead gives us an original plot and throws in fun nods to the original when he can. While largely successful it does however mean that the references range from clever such as a sheriff commenting about it being “Garbage Day” to slightly more clumsy as seen with his attempts to work in the catatonic creepy grandpa which comes off misplaced with the scene feeling like it has been forced in especially when unlike the original it has no importance to the plot in the slightest.
 

While the original focused on the psychologically damaged Billy and the events leading up to his psychotic breakdown, here it’s a much more straightforward story and inturn meaning that the film wastes little time before our killer sets to work as we open to him using his home made electric chair on one of his victims after the great opening sequence showing him assembling his Santa suit. From here it essentially a chain of ever more inventive kills while Aubrey (King) tries to track him down which is no easy task when the town is full of Santa’s for the annual Christmas parade. Even with the killer in the towns midst it soon becomes apparent that he’s not the only crazy in town as we also get the drunk and bitter Santa Jim played here by the continually underrated Donal Logue and who here provides a fun red herring.
 

While the original spent its time building up the background of Billy and trying to explain how he ends up going on his murderous rampage, here such things are much more of an afterthought with Miller much keener to rack up the creative kills and keep the film moving at a brisk pace than explain why his killer is doing what they are doing. As such when we do finally get an explanation its feels like much more of an afterthought and thanks to its placement in the film as an epilogue of sorts feels clumsier than if it had it been placed in a more prominent position.  On the flip side the kills here are truly inventive as the killer proves himself more than capable with his axe while getting equally creative with a string of Christmas lights and more memorably a flamethrower while the real standout death comes via the use of a woodchipper

While the kills are all surprisingly good it’s equally surprising to see the film shot like an 80’s slasher as we get a healthy dose of gore and splatter, let alone gratuitous nudity which seems to equally be as much a rarity in modern horror as old school splatter and here its used in such a way that it adds to the film rather than feeling exploitive. Again it’s a credit to Miller that he also shies away from reproducing any of the classic kills from the original outside of a girl being impaled in a pair of antlers, though if only one kill was to be carried across I kind of would have preferred for it to have been the sled decapitation which is sadly absent here
 

Unquestionably it’s a great cast which Miller has assembled here with Malcom McDowell chewing the scenery as the town sheriff while getting the best line of the film when he belittles the killer for bringing “a flamethrower to a gun fight”. Equally on good form is Jaime King who here makes her third appearance in a horror remake, having previously appeared in the remakes of both “My Bloody Valentine” and “Mother’s Day” and here proves herself a great final girl as the deputy determined to learn the identity of the killer with whom they she might share more of a link with than first seems.

While it might be remake here Miller really has crafted a film which stands on its own merits, giving the fans of the festive slasher another film to add to their collection, though by the same quality it’s doubtful that none horror films will find much here to hold their attention, especially as its not trying to be meta or break the mould but this is one which is worth giving a watch even with the horror remake stigma, though it will no doubt leave you wishing that more of horror remakes were like it.