Primal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Title: Primal

Director: Josh Reed

Released: 2010

Starring: Zoe Tuckwell-Smith, Krew Boylan, Lindsay Farris, Rebekah Foord, Damien Freeleagus, Will Traval, Mark Saunders

Plot: Anja (Tuckwell-Smith) and her friends are looking for a remote collection of cave paintings in the bushlands of the Australian outback, unaware of an ancient evil lurking in the area, which soon turns the fun loving Mel (Boylan) into a primal savage who soon starts hunting the rest of the group.

 

Review: When it comes to producing great horror Australia has frequently been able to pull out surprising and original horror films, even if the output of the country has been more sporadic since the glory days of the Ozploitation era. This film however is not one of the more memorable films as of late. Frustratingly this is not a bad film, but rather a decidedly average one, which for every great idea it throws out there, it then proceeds to throw something stupid into the mix and inturn throwing the film off.

Opening with the usual setup of friends heading out to some remote location, only to soon find themselves way out of their depth, it essentially doesn’t deviate from the usual checklist which once again left me wondering when we will actually have a horror film, were you don’t have every character figured out within the first five minutes. Still it is not too long before Mel suddenly takes on a more savage form with  director Reed wasting no time on a gradual transformation as she goes from bubbly blonde to frenzied killer in a matter of minutes. True it isn’t a huge change seeing how this monstrous form basically consists of a pair of black contacts and a set of monstrous teeth which is no discredit to the film as while a simple change it is still an effective one and one fitting of the savage nature she takes on.

Here of course lies the first of the many issues with this film, in that the reason for this sudden change is never really explained, outside of suggesting that the evil spirit / worm thing in the caves has the power to turn anything which comes into contact with the nearby lake into a primal beast. Sadly the only things we see it affecting other than Mel and later group leader Dace (Traval) is a couple of rabbits, a bunch of leaches and the midge population which suddenly develops the ability to eat anything from tents to car tyres. The confusion is only added to by the random scenes of Mel tossing half eaten carcasses in the cave entrance to supposedly please whatever it is that lives I the cave. Half-baked plot ideas though are frustratingly the order of the day here and frequently proved to drag the film down every time it seem to established the direction the story was going to go, even more frustratingly when it seemed to have established a plot line involving trying to capture Mel, using a variety of Guerrilla tactics which felt in many ways like a nod to “Predator” especially when they construct a net trap which bizarrely seemed to be as far as their planning goes though in surreal moment, this lack of forward planning is even acknowledged by Dace and Warren (Freeleagus), who look up at the now trapped Mel and question what to do next. I mean seriously how can you build any kind of non-lethal trap without planning on what to do when it actually works?!?

On the flip side of these plotting issues the film does manage to pull out a few surprises mainly in the form of personality switches between characters, with the carefree joker actually having a sensitive side and a seemingly bookish member actually hiding an inner badass in one the more memorable confrontations between the group and their primal former friends. Honestly this did help break up the predictability of the plotting which sticks largely to the usual character clichés, while equally failing by this same effect to give us a satisfying final girl as neither of the remaining female characters manager to step up while one seems to be kept around for the sole purpose of cramming in an unwanted monster rape plot line (complete with mutant fetus). Such a disappointing lack of noticeable final girl has a lot to do with the casting, as none of the cast are particularly memorable, but this seems to be just another sign of the times when it comes to modern horror, especially when every new horror frequently seems like a GQ spread, with actors being seemingly chosen for their physical appeal rather than acting ability. This of course is unless you’re in an Eli Roth movie and then it’s more about your willingness to get naked.

Ultimately this film is forgettable at best and outside of a curious watch, it is doubtful that it will hold your interest to warrant a second. True there is a number of good idea, but these have to be found amongst the numerous half-baked ones, which frequently take away from the film, much like the lack of connection I felt with any of the characters and hence found it even harder to care about the situation they are in, much less find the enthusiasm to write this one up so approach with caution.

Bikini Girls On Ice

 

Title: Bikini Girls On Ice

Director: Geoff Klein

Released: 2009

Staring: Cindel Chartrand, Danielle Doetsch, William Jarand, Suzi Lorraine, Christina Sciortino, Caroline Faille, Tarek Barone, Kerri Taylor, Ivan Peric

Plot: A bus load of bikini clad ladies are on their way to a car-wash fundraiser, when their bus breaks down in front of an abandoned gas station located on the edge of town, unaware that it is home to a homicidal mechanic called Moe (Jarand)

Review: I should really know by now that any film with the word “Bikini” in the title is often going to be far from the fun times and cheap thrills which the name would misleadingly give you the impression of. Needless to say this film is no exception to this rule.

A Canadian production from first time director Klein, who also is credited with co-producing aswell as co-writing this with fellow first timer Jeff Ross who thankfully gave up on the writing after this film, which like so many of the cast remains his sole IMDB credit. Still while aiming for a cheap and fun slasher, only one of these goals is really achieved (no prizes for guessing which one they achieve).

Plot wise this one does exactly what it says on the tin, unless you’re the sort of person brought up with holiday themed ice capades shows and have entered into it expecting to see a bunch of ice skating ladies in bikinis, you might be slightly disappointed to find that it’s yet another cheapie slasher abet one with a fun title, but still sadly little else to offer.

For some reason only known to Klein, the girls have seemingly only packed their bikini’s and while it’s a cheap thrill to have a movie full of attractive young actresses wearing pretty much nothing for the whole film, it’s a thrill which soon grows old way to quick, while towards the end even pushing the boundaries of plausibility as the girls run around in the dark, giving not even a passing thought to putting on more clothes. I don’t know perhaps Canadian girls are impervious to the cold, but Klein’s determination it would seem to get as much flesh on the screen as possible only took me out of the film, which by this point was struggling to keep what was left of my attention and something really also not helped by the fact that it’s nigh impossible most of the time to see what is happening during these night time scenes.

Such cheap titillation also extends to the cast, whose characters are left largely undeveloped except when it comes to what cheap thrill they happen to bring to the film (I.E: The slutty chick, the lesbians etc) and as such are largely disposable and there to make up the body count and as such it makes it really hard to care about what happens to any of them, especially when they are so interchangeable from each other. Still working with a cast of unknowns it soon becomes clear that many of them might have been hired for how good they look, rather than their acting ability but when some of them struggle to convincingly wash a car you know the film is in trouble.

The films psycho is beyond laughable, with Jarand clearly having delusions of being the next big slasher, especially from how he tries and fails to imitate Kane Hodder’s raging bull style, he brought to Friday the 13^th series from Part 7 – Jason X. Still looking like one of those deranged fans that generally turn up in videos for bands like “Slipknot”, with his greasy long hair permanently hanging over his face while contorting his face into a demented looking frown, as he comes across like the embodiment of every bad slasher cliché going. If this wasn’t bad enough, he is also lumbered with no kind of motive for his actions, so we never find out his motive for killing let alone why he is so obsessed with putting bodies into tubs of ice.

The other major failing of this film is with the gore quota which despite the films high body count is almost non existent. True we get a lot of violence with Moe swinging, hammering and stabbing away at his victims, but at the same time we don’t get to see any form of pay off, as Klein opts to keep the gore off screen and as such gives zero weight to any of the deaths, while only making Moe all the more of a laughable psycho, especially when every kill is the same as the last, with the victim stumbling into him, before falling over before he sets about doing his thing, with none of the victims providing anything resembling much of a fight. Still when we do see the aftermath of any of these kills, the damage is interchangeable with any other kill in the film, with the victim looking the same as before just now covered with buckets of fake blood, with the sole difference being the occasional slit throat. It’s this form of filming which really irks me, for on one hand Klein is trying to homage the splatter and violence of the 80’s slashers, yet at the same time under the delusion of what your not seeing is scarier, which arguably might be true and you really only need to look at the likes of “Psycho” for further proof. However this style really only works well in the hands of a master director, which it’s safe to say that Klein is not and hence is left with a bunch of weak death scenes, many of which have been done before only a lot better.

Despite having a short run time, this film still feels a lot longer than it is, which when you consider that it’s a film packed with scantily clad ladies only makes it much more worrying as it takes a real talent to make such a prospect as painful a viewing experience as Klein as here. Now normally I would recommend that movies this bad, are best enjoyed with a few cold beers, but considering the amount of alcohol required to make this a fun experience, I think you’d be best also packing a spare liver in the cooler, as it fails on even the most basic of levels, while proving once more that wall to wall cleavage does not make a movie, though perhaps more worrying is the fact that this film has spawned a sequel "Pin-up Dolls on Ice", though can't say that i'm going to be exactly rushing to see it anytime soon.

Doomsday

Title: Doomsday
Director: Neil Marshall
Released: 2008
Staring: Rhona Mitra, Bob Hoskins, Malcolm McDowell, Alexander Siddig, David O’Hara, Craig Conway, Adrian Lester, Chris Robson, Leslie Simpson, Sean Pertwee, Darren Morfitt

Plot: In 2008 the reaper virus was discovered in Scotland, infecting hundreds and killing millions, leading the authorities to quarantine Scotland from the rest of England to prevent the prevent the virus spreading further. Three decades later the virus appears again in London and Eden Sinclair (Mitra) and a team of specialists have been sent back to Scotland to search for the elusive Dr. Kane (McDowell), while in the time since the quarantine has caused those who survived to become brutal savages



Review: For one reason or another I’ve never got around to watching this film until recently when it happened to be on “Sci-fi”, so recalling that it was somewhere in depths of the “Lovefilm” rental list I thought I’d actually give it a watch, especially seeing how the list currently stands around 475 queued titles, I doubted that it would be getting watched anytime soon otherwise, especially with the reviews on it’s initial release being pretty much meh! With this in mind I can’t say that I was exactly expecting much from this film.

Right from the start there is a creeping sensation of Déjà vu, as the military forces gun down a frenzied mob of the potentially infected, in scenes all to reminiscent of “28 Weeks later” (2002), with this feeling only growing throughout when it suddenly becomes clear that Marshall is attempting to use the Tarantino style of film making by scrapbooking and adapting scenes and ideas from his favourite films and while Tarantino takes his inspirations and gives them his own unique spin to create a multi layered homage to the cinema he adores, were as here Marshall seems to be simply cutting and pasting scenes were needed into his Scottish setting, which at times seems to the sole original element on hand and while it largely works, it certainly took me more and more out of the film, every time one of these lifted sequences appeared as I tried to remember were I’d seen them before, with the inspirations coming from the predictable such as “Escape from New York” (1981) and “Mad Max” (1979) with Eden’s character being an amalgamation of the leads of those two films, with the loner attitude and eye patch of New York’s Snake Pliskin and the cold personality of Mad Max’s Max Rockatansky with both drawing this nature from their surroundings aswell as the trauma of losing a loved one, with Eden losing her mother during the opening riots, causing her to become isolated from the rest of society. Still despite being a combination of two of cinema’s greatest antiheroes, Eden stands up well which is no doubt largely on part to a believable performance by Mitra, seen here in one of her first leading roles, with the original intention of giving her a handful of witty one liners being thankfully removed, while more questionable aspects such as her bionic eye work surprisingly well, while only adding more much needed originality to her character. Still both of those films director atleast get some recognition in the form of Soldiers Miller and Carpenter, though this felt like brick to the face in the terms to subtly much like Marshall’s blatant plagiarism of ideas.

Marshall’s vision for his quarantined Scotland is certainly an interesting one as the action is split between the apocalyptic and savage city, which I’m sure we are supposed to assume, is Glasgow which is now under the anarchic rule of Kane’s son Sol (Conway) who is one half psycho while the other half is pure side show barker as he rules the punk like Marauders with a mixture of violence and alternative cabaret which also includes an interesting use of the Fine Young Cannibals track “Good Thing” which has a whole bunch of interesting imagery now attached to it, thanks to this film like much of the 80’s influenced soundtrack, with Marshal originally aiming for an equally 80’s synth track, but later opting for a heavy orchestra score instead.
The flip side to Marshall’s vision comes in the form of Dr. Kane’s Medieval influenced empire, were he has established himself as a Col. Kurtz esq figure and despite the country being in quarantine it certainly hasn’t stopped his group from using authentic looking medieval outfits and weapons, yet no mention of how he managed to convince his numerous followers to go along with the idea of taking things literally medieval. This sudden change of surrounding does however mean that you end up feeling that the group have somehow stumbled into another movie altogether.

The action sequences are all handed well from the city foot chase sequences and Mitra handles herself well in a fist fight with Marshall providing a good action quota throughout and even finding space for a couple of car chases, which again draw heavily from their inspiration with the first taking it from “Aliens” and the second seeming like a mash up of the best bits of the Mad Max trilogy, with the location being exchanged for the Scottish Highlands, which although it’s exciting to watch in places with some clumsy camera placement causing the illusion of high speed to seriously be lost to the point were pedestrians would no doubt be moving quicker than some of the vehicles..

As a director Marshall hasn’t really won me over with his films to date with both “Dog Soldiers” (2002) and “The Descent” (2005) being largely forgettable, while his last film “Centurion” (2010) was enjoyable enough but not enough to make him a director worth watching for future projects and I can’t say that this film really changed that opinion, even though it surprisingly proved to be a largely fun film despite it’s flaws, while it’s blatant plagiarism prevents it from becoming little more than disposable fun, even though Marshall seems all set to take us back to the Apocalyptic highlands judging by the open ending, I personally think that one trip is more than enough for most but the least cinematically educated of viewers.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Title: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
Director: Tom Six
Released: 2009
Staring: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura

Plot: Dr. Heiter (Laser) was once famous for his surgical skill in separating Siamese twins, though now he has much darker designs, as he kidnaps a trio of tourists, with the intention of binding them together to realise his ultimate obsession.




Review: Ever since the buzz started with this film, there were countless bloggers eager to donate thier space to air their excitement about the release of the film, while for myself it resembled nothing more than horror once more getting lazy and resorting to sheer shock tactics than real horror to convince the movie going public to hand over their money. So finally I bothered to sit down and watch it, after spending far too much time hearing people raving on about how shocking and disgusting it was, though having now witness it for myself, I can safely say it’s more the concept rather than anything shown on the screen which raises these comments, so gore hounds are bound to find much to gripe about here, especially seeing how the majority of the original buzz seem to hint at the film being more gory than it is. Here the power of suggestion is really being more prominent, than anything resembling the extreme gore and violence Director Six had hinted at, but then Six seems to care more about coming across as much as an oddball as he can, which is no doubt all part of his intent to generate further publicity for his films, when essentially he is the same as the child who deliberately chews with their mouth open, knowing that it will generate a negative reaction. Still this hasn’t stopped the hype machine from working overtime, to raise this film way above being another forgettable horror title, especially with the production notes stating that it has been proclaimed “The most horrific film ever made” while curiously emitting who had bestowed such high praise, something questioned upon the films release by the British newspaper “The Guardian” who also brought up the claim when they interviewed Six, who responded shiftly by proclaiming that it had been given by UK tabloid “The Sun”, a claim further questioned when they also proclaimed the closest “The Sun” had some in their review was “sickest film ever?” and even that claim was followed by a question mark.

So what about the film? Well Six wastes zero time in establishing Dr. Heiter for the oddball he is, rather than go for a slow reveal of his madness, as we are minutes into the film and we have him stalking a truck driver with a tranquiliser rifle, while said driver is filmed taking a dump in the woods. This of course after instigating that the Doctor is a fan of masturbating to pictures of his supposedly beloved dogs, the extent of this love certainly could be questioned when you find out, exactly what happened to them later in the film. Still the film continues to move at this brisk pace, while certainly not doing much favour for the local tourism, seeing how one local is portrayed as a filthy pervert and it’s not long before the fiesty Lindsey (Williams) and her shy and easily lead friend Jenny (Yennie) have stumbled across the home of Dr. Heiter. Once in the home it quickly descends into what is essentially just an extended chase sequence, as Six attempts to create some drama before the realisation of the twisted fantasy of Dr. Heiter. Sadly it’s once he has his Centipede that the film runs out of steam quickly, as having blown his load on this nightmarish creation, Six now finds he has nowhere to go and with the shock of seeing three people surgically graphed ass to mouth soon wearing thin, there is a stupidly large amount of the run time devoted to Dr. Heiter attempting to train the centipede, frequently attacking the conjoined trio with a riding crop, as they struggle to adapt with the only real shock during these scenes coming from the now well documented “Feed Her” scene, but again this is heavy on the power of suggestion than anything see.

The origin of “The Human Centipede” is supposedly drawn from similar experiments carried out by the Nazi’s who reportedly had tried the same thing with dogs, but not with humans, with the closest example of these experiements being attempted on humans, being “The angel of death” Josef Mengele’s experiments in creating artificial conjoined twins. Still the Nazi link is certainly present here with fellow Centipede member Katsuro frequently branding Dr. Heiter a Nazi and while Dr. Heiter’s connections to the Nazi’s are never revealed, it is strongly hinted at by Six, which if it wasn’t due to the strong performance by Laser who helps the character rise above such a clumsy label, so that his obsession is drawn more from his aclaimed work as a surgion seperating conjoined twins and with a lesser actor could easily be written off as poor characterisation and it’s only Laser’s performance that stops the character from becoming a sheer caricature. Still if Six really wanted us to believe that Dr. Heiter is such a crazed doctor, why do we have scenes of him in his garden wearing jeans and a t-shirt? It makes even less sense when every other scenes to be about gaining the maximum amount of creepiness from this character, from the long lab coat and mirrored glasses to his obsession with keeping his home as surgically clean as possible and these random scenes take the audience out of the moment, by having them question the sudden change in style for the doctor.

With Laser busily chewing the scenery, it’s certainly a tough act for the other actors to follow, but then their performances end up being fairly limited with Katsuro’s spending the whole film cursing the doctor (quite understandably) while the girls act continually scared. I did question though why Katsuro was included in the film as if it was purely a question of having a lead character who didn’t speak English, why didn’t Six just use a German speaking character? My only conclusion I could draw, was that it was for similar reasons that Raymond Burr showed up as an American reporter in “Godzilla” (1956), which had essentially been so that it would be an easier sell to American audiences, with Katsuro’s inclusion being an attempt to do the same except for the Asian market, whom in recent years has been battling with the new wave of French shockers for who can produce the freshest shocks and certainly a key market for any new horror release.

I have no doubt that this film has it’s fans, but when you look past it’s surface shocks and the gloss of the occasionally pretty cinematography, it’s becomes a flimsy film at best and once you trim down the centipede training sequences, from their almost voyeuristic length, it also becomes a film which would struggle to make feature length. Still the shocks have bought in the bucks and with “Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence” already in production, with Six promising an even larger centipede of 12 people, it really does make me wonder were he expects to take the film, outside of just going over the same ground he covered in the first film. Still if Six can manage to put as much effort into his film making as he does trying to convince us all of his oddball behaviour he might still surprise us as a film maker, once he moves onto less grotesque projects whose only aim is to clearly offend, disgust and shock, rather than create anything resembling true horror.