Island of Death

Title: Island of Death
Director: Nico Mastorakis
Released: 1977
Staring: Robert Behling, Jane Lyle, Jessica Dublin, Gerald Gonalons, Jannice McConnell, Nikos Tsachiridis

Plot: Christopher (Behling) and Celia (Lyle) are enjoying a break on a small Greek island, while pursuing their favourite pastimes, which unfortunately for the locals are sex and violence, meanwhile Inspector Foster (Gonalons) is hot on their heels.

Review: Probably the least well known of the video nasty list, yet arguably the most notorious seeing how it only got taken off the list here in the UK last year, still good things come to those who wait which this film might be anything but, but still I think it’s easy to say that this is possibly one of the most explicit movies to have made the list, especially as it is essentially a constant stream of soft core porn, nudity and violence, with only the most paper thin of plots to string the scenes together, which is hardly surprising when Director Mastorakis seemingly had two goals when he set out to make the movie and that was to first make himself as much money as possible, while the second was to make the most violent and perverse film possible after after being inspired by “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, well more specifically he was inspired when he found out just how much money Tobe Hooper was making from it.

Opening with Christopher buried up to his waist in what will later be revealed to be a pit of lime while Celia watches and laughs mockingly we get our first taste of Christopher’s travel documentary esq voice over which continues to appear randomly through the film as the film now cuts back to a few days earlier as Christopher and Celia arrive on the unnamed small Greek island looking like any normal happy couple. Needless to say we are just about fifteen minutes before they are having sex in a phone box while he phones their mother…..yes that’s right they are also brother and sister (though confusingly at times she is also referred to as being his cousin) and really don’t seem to care much about the incestuous nature of their relationship. So after that surprising opening, you would think that Mastorakis might have blown his load early, until Christopher having had his attempts at getting some morning fun rejected instead relives his frustration with a passing goat before graphically killing it in what is unsurprisingly the most talked about moment in the film.

This murderous duo are almost polar opposites to each other when it comes to thier motives, with Christopher murderous tendencies being drawn from his own twisted religious beliefs, making him prone to ranting about his role as the angel of purification and how his victims have sinned as he kills, while these zealot esq beliefs of course makes the residents of the island prime targets for his campaign to purify them of their sins, especially when everyone is prone to spontaneous nudity and so sexually open. Celia meanwhile plays things like his trusted accomplice though seemingly minus Christopher’s religious rants, as she sets up the majority of the murders, as Christopher voyeuristically enjoys watching her having sex and frantically photographing her in action, which seemingly seems to be the only cure for his own impotence, especially when each of the murders are usually followed by frantic sex between him and Celia and more frantic photography of their handiwork.

There is barely a moment wasted here which is not being filled with death, gore or sex or some amalgamation of the three, with the sound of a camera shutter between each scene, creating almost an unintentional feeling that each scene is like a little violent and nasty short, a feeling only further reinforced by the beyond minimal plotting on offer here, which is pretty much abandoned by the final quarter as we lead up to the moments were we first joined the murderous duo, though don’t expect anything to be any clearer by the time we get to were we first started the film, as Mastorakis instead leaps even further into the randomness void of pure cinematic insanity which has Celia making the nasty (literally in this case) with a inbred looking famer, after he beats up and farts (yes you read that right) on Christopher which is around the same point that you realise that Mastorakis really doesn’t care anymore, let alone has any idea how to end the movie.

The death scenes are all explicit and filmed with an almost voyeuristic glee, as Mastorakis unleashes a variety of interesting deaths from the traditional stalk and slash, to the slightly more creative such as a bulldozer blade and memorably using an aeroplane wing to hang one of their victims during flight. Still none of these are shot with any sense of fun are largely just gratuitous violence and gore, which frequently makes for uncomfortable viewing.

“Island of Death” is another key example of a film which made the Video nasty list and which no doubt otherwise would have long since been forgotten like so many of the titles on the list and furthering the belief that the list did more harm than anything regarding protecting the movie going public from these kinds of movies, instead providing exploitation fans and gore hounds with a shopping list of titles to hunt down. Needless to say you can go through life having not seen this film and be all the better, especially as you won’t have wasted an hour and half of your life on this film, which left me with the same feeling I had after watching “The Human Centipede” an equally ghastly experience, which equally was all shocks over substance and like this film also soon realised that it has nowhere to go and no matter how low you sink the moral standard it still doesn’t make up for the serious lack of plotting and as such, I would recommend this only for video nasty completists and celluloid curiosity seekers only.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Title: Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Director: Alexander Witt

Released: 2004

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, Oded Fehr, Thomas Kretschmann, Jared Harris, Mike Epps, Mathew G. Taylor

Plot: Following on from the events of the first film Alice (Jovovich) awakens to find herself in Racoon City which has now been ravaged by the T-Virus which the Umbrella Corporation are now moving to cover up. Joining up with suspended police officer Jill Valentine, Alice and a small group of uninfected survivors must attempt to escape the city.

Review: Despite the fact the original film hardly reciving glowing praise from the critics and audiences alike it looked doubtful that Paul W.S Anderson would get to make good on the cliffhanger he ended the first film on with a post coma Alice waking up with a ravaged Racoon City. Still when you deliver a $102.4 million box office on a budget of $35 Million it was kind of inevitable that the studio would push for a follow up. Anderson however would not return for this first sequel other than to produce and write the script as at the time he was busy giving the world his sterile take on both the Alien and Predator franchises with the flacid “Alien Vs. Predator” and leaving second unit director Alexander Witt to instead helm the film which remains his sole credit as a director and having seen the film its not hard to see why.

While the first film might have drawn its inspirations from the first game, this time round its the turn of “Resident Evil 2” and “Resident Evil: Nemesis” both which took place in Racoon City before the series headed off for more exotic locales in the games which followed. However like the first film they are merely just the foundations for another original script from Anderson who despite not being in the directors chair is still keep the build on the world he established in the first film in particular the evolution of Alice as a character.

This time Alice has her memory back while thanks to some tinkering by the Umbrella scientists she now has superhuman strength and agility which from the writing perspective means that Anderson is able to work more than a few OTT scenes into the film such as her introduction to the films main group of survivors which sees her crashing through a church stain glass window riding a motorcycle before blasting the hell out of a group of lickers. For some reason she also seems to be obsessed with sharing her back story whenever given a chance regardless of if characters have heard it before so if you didn’t know that she is an ex-security officer you’ll certainly know by the fifth time she’s told the group. In this instalment we do get to atleast know alittle more history behind the T-Virus and how it relates to Alice through the introduction of the Virus’s creator Dr. Ashford whose daughter Angela, Alice has to rescue from her school in order to get out of the city. The plot for the most part is frustratingly plodding and really only picks up when there’s a big set piece to work in.

From this film we really start to see Alice as the superhero style asskicker with the genetic tampering of her DNA now being used as blank check to work in any ludicrous idea that Anderson can think of and seemingly being all the justification we are supposed to need to understand her evolution from slaying Zombies in a pretty red dress to here being more military in her clothing choice let alone her suddenly being an expert in combat and military tactics which enable her to evade helicopters and repel down the sides of buildings.

The group this time round are a pretty unlikeable bunch with the exception of Sienna Guillory’s Jill Valentine who is a perfect feisty counterpart to Alice as she is introduced shooting zombies in the head which for some reason seem to be of little concern to anyone else in the police station let alone the fact that she is blasting away in such a crowded setting. Also in this group is Jill’s fellow S.T.A.R.S team member Peyton (Adoti), former umbrella soldier Carlos (Fehr) who was also a character introduced in “Resident Evil: Nemesis”. The most irritating though is the motormouthed L.J (Epps) who was originally supposed to be played by Snoop Dog until he dropped out during pre-production and I can’t help but feel that this character would have been less irritating had he still played him.

Our big evil this time is Major Cain (Kretschmann) whose heading up Umbrella’s containment operation and from his introduction its clear that he cares little for the citizens of Racoon city with his concerns instead lying purely with covering up the outbreak by any means possible. This includes sealing the Racoon City residents in the city aswell as releasing Nemesis to kill off the remaining members of S.T.A.R.S

Nemesis is unquestionably one of the strongest aspects of this film and is perfectly transferred from the game where like he is here a towering monster who also happens to weld a minigun and rocket launcher, both which while might have seemed overkill in the game here actually work for the character. Credit also has to be given to Mathew G. Taylor for making this character work especially when the suit weighed around 60 pounds limiting him to shooting in 15 min bursts or risk the heat of the suit overcoming him though to make matters worse the Minigun also added an addition 60 pounds for him to carry. Yes the character might be limited to slowly plodding around the city, but like in the game this really only adds to the daunting presence of this monster.

The downside of this character however comes when it comes to him doing anything other than shooting his weapons which becomes only the more obvious when we get the scenes of Alice fighting Nemesis with a pair of police batons. Due to the restrictive movement of Taylor wearing the suit the whole fight sequence just ends up coming off clumsy for the parts we do get to see with director Witt insisting on shooting the action almost ontop of the actors its often hard to figure out what is supposed to be happening let alone feel any kind of engagement with these fight sequences.

As with the first film this is still a sterile zombie movie with none of the gore we’d expect from the genre, though this time we have to contend with this weird half speed effect that Witt seems to be obsessed with using throughout the film. At the same time he constantly insists on shooting the zombie scenes almost on top of the actors making it often hard to figure out what is supposed to happening and often leaving scenes feeling a lot more chaotic than they should be. We do however get a few decent scenes in the film such as one of the group being overcome by a group of zombie school children aswell as another fun scene with the zombie dogs who make a return here.

A step down from the first film which seeing how that film lingered around the ass end of okay, really doesn’t say much for this film, more so when the ending is dragged out an additional fifteen minutes so that Alice’s character can become even more powered up than before. As such its doubtful that you will return to it after your initial viewing leaving it one for the completionists.

Bullet To The Head

Title: Bullet To The Head

Director: Walter Hill

Released: 2012

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Sarah Shahi, Adewale Akinnuoye-Abaje, Christian Slater, Jason Momoa

Plot: Hitman James Bonomo (Stallone) and police detective Taylor Kwon (Kang) find themselves forced to work together when they find themselves targeted by the same enemy.

 

Review: Not to be confused by the superior John Woo classic "Bullet In The Head" and Based on Alexis Nolent’s French graphic novel “Du Plomb Dans La Tete” loosely translated as “Lead In The Head” with this film would come for Stallone at a time when he was riding high once more in his career, having dragged himself out of the depths of DTV hell by revisiting the roles which first made him a star, as well as cashing in on that legacy further with the first two entries in “The Expendables” trilogy. Of course we would be heavily mistaken if we thought that Stallone was back on track as here he sleepwalks his walks through this shambling Neo-Noir thriller.

Now the idea of someone with a legacy like Walter Hill has in the director’s chair it would normally be something to be excited about, but sadly this is not working at his prime as we like to remember him with films like “The Warriors” or “Southern Comfort”. With this film though it is hard to tell if these lacklustre effort is to do with a veteran director losing his mojo or the fact that he was drafted in to replace Wayne Kramer who wanted a darker vision for the film than Stallone wanted, leading to Stallone bringing in Hill who at the time had at the time just had the movie he’d been working on fall apart after he’d spent a year trying to get it made.

Refreshing set in New Orleans, here Stallone’s Bonomo also known as the bafflingly unthreatening Jimmy Bobo, is an aging hitman who lives by his own code of conduct, as emphasised by the opening hit on a corrupt cop in which he refuses to kill a prostitute witness. It is of course this hit which Bobo on the radar of Kwon who was the cops partner and from here it is only an onslaught of confused plotlines with only the occasional dash of action to keep the mildest hint of interest in this otherwise bland thriller. Things head south pretty quickly here after a strong opening, with the Bobo and Kwon being forced to work together, but thanks to Stallone and Kang having zero chemistry together this is far from the mismatched partner dynamic we would expect with every situation usually consisting on Stallone handling the action, while Kang plays on his phone. Seriously there is no situation which doesn’t seemingly find a resolution by him looking up the answer on his phone making his credentials as a detective all the more shaky while making you wonder why his character had to be a cop and instead couldn’t have been a hacker or some other profession. Interestingly though Thomas Jane was to play this role, only for producer Joel Silver to recast the part feeling needed a “more ethnic actor” to appeal to a wider audience. It remains to be seen if Jane could have done a better job, or if the flaw is just in the character. Elsewhere Shahi shows up as Bobo’s tattooist daughter who supposedly according to Bobo’s claims went to med school for a week, yet has no problem dealing with gun shot wounds or any other medical issue that arises. Frustratingly while Shahi gives a good performance, her character seems to largely have been included as an excuse to up the nudity quota or just so Hill could have a pretty girl in the cast, especially when her character could have easily have been written out without any effect to the film in the slightest.  

The other main issue with the film is the lack of a decent big evil with the closest we get to a memorable villain is in ex-mercenary turned heavy Keegan (Momoa) who gets one of the few highlights of the film when he gets to engage in a fire axe dual with Bobo at the finale. While the character is memorable, its another lacklustre performance from Momoa, who the more I see the more convinced I am that his performance as Khal Drogo in “Game of Thrones” was a one off, especially when everything else I’ve seen him in has yet to come close to that performance as further reinforced here. 

The action scenes are all enjoyable enough, though hardly containing anything overly original to make them standout more, while the final axe dual despite containing a number of impressive moments, relies too heavily on close up shots to be truly effective. We also get a massage parlour brawl but again I struggled to get into this fight, mainly because it felt like a poor man’s version of the same scene in “Eastern Promises” only thankfully Stallone doesn’t get naked in this one.

A forgettable Neo-Noir thriller let alone a heavily flawed one which even the diehard Stallone fans will struggle to find anything to make it worth your time. At the same time it remains to be seen if Hill can recapture his film making mojo which made his early films so memorable especially when this is certainly a stumble on his resume. Of course this is only made all the more frustrating when here is clearly trying to do something new within the genre, especially in terms of setting, its just a shame that the few moments when the film does work, don’t make up for the rest of the film to warrant giving it anything but a curious watch.

I Spit On Your Grave

Title: I Spit On Your Grave

Director: Meir Zarchi

Released: 1978

Starring: Camille Keaton, Eron Tabor, Richard Pace, Anthony Nichols, Gunter Kleemann

Plot: Escaping to the countryside to finish her novel, writer Jennifer (Keaton) soon finds herself the attracting unwanted attention from a group of local men, which soon leads to her being raped and left for death. However Jennifer survives the attack and soon begins to plot her revenge on the men responsible.

 

Review: A film whose legacy more than precedes it, the films originally released under the title “Day of the Woman” aswell as being shown under the more colourful “I hate Your Guts” and “The Rape and Revenge of Jennifer Hill” with the film only receiving its current title when the film was re-released in 1980. The film would only increase in notoriety when it was banned in the UK as part of the DDP list of “Video Nasties”, the unintentional side effect of which being that it created a watchlist for genre fans even though the majority of  films named would have no doubt been forgotten over time instead received a boost in popularity. At the time of writing ten films on the list remain banned due to either being refused classification or because they are yet to be resubmitted by their relevant distributors. Sadly this would not be the fate for this film which despite still not being released uncut it remains banned in Ireland but here in the UK even after cuts this still remains a grotesque and disturbing piece of celluloid trash.

Reportedly based on the director helping along with his friends a girl who he found to have been raped and the subsequent mishandling of the case by the police when they attempted to report it, the film is one of his two directing credits with the other being the little seen “Don’t Mess with My Sister” while he has returned to produce the two remakes that this film somehow has spawned which I can assume is more to do with its legacy than anything to do with its actual content. The original however was shot for cheap on a budget of $650,000 meaning that the film is unquestionably grimy while devoid of any kind of soundtrack which seemingly was more due to Zarchi not being able to find any music which would suit the film. This does however have the effect of increasing the intensity of the film, something the equally notorious “Last House on the Left” lost thanks to the inappropriate inclusion of bluegrass music during its comedic “Chickens” scene. As a result the film is largely silent bar background noise which is strangely eerier and only adds to the nastiness of the rape and abuse scenes as you’re forced to hear everything providing no escape from what you’re being forced to witness.

When we first meet Jennifer she is just a nice city girl with aspirations of finishing her novel and even though she is amused by the antics of the backwoods locals, including two of her soon to be attackers which we see playing the classic knife game split the kipper she is not rude or judgemental about their ways. As such the reason for them choosing to attack her for reasons outside of her being an attractive woman on her own is unclear. As a result of any kind of explanation for the groups actions it results in the tone of the film being far sleazier than it would have been had we actually been given some kind of reasoning.

While the film does have its moments of excessive violence, it is the rape scenes which is the hardest thing to stomach which even members of the crew found the filming of tough with one crew member quitting during the second of the three rape scenes, while the make-up artist who herself has been the victim of a gang rape attack also quit the film as she found the shoot too much like reliving the traumatic events. The male cast members to show their support for Keaton also requested to be naked, especially when she spends a lot of the film naked which really isn’t as titillating as it sounds as this is anything but fun nudity here. Keaton meanwhile had no problem with the nudity aspects of the film and was actually more concerned with the scenes involving her walking barefoot through the woods.

The kills are all creative as Jennifer despatches the group in a number of sadistic but highly justified ways including a hanging and creative use of an outboard motor. The also features the much discussed castration which interestingly would be uncensored for the Australian release of the film as the Australian censors don’t see castration as sexual violence which would have seen the film banned under Australian censorship laws. While the kills are all justifiably brutal, the film by this point has left such a bad taste in your mouth with what it has forced you to watch already, that if your still watching it is more a test of endurance that it makes it hard to get overly excited about them.

 I can’t help but feel that had Zarchi restrained himself to a sole effectively shot instead rather than the exploitive and voyeuristic style which he chooses for the film, let alone the fact that he chooses to include three rape scenes, which if we are to believe IMDB clocks in around 25 minutes which really is beyond excessive. Again if these scene had been handled effectively and focused more on Jennifer plotting and carrying out her revenge this would have been a stronger film, rather than feeling like a questionable idea stretched out to excess.

On one hand the film makes for an interesting argument on censorship, as had the film not been banned as a video nasty would we still be talking about it now or would it now be just another lost exploitation movie? Equally would this film have lead to the current wave of torture porn horror films being released sooner? What remains true though it that this is truly a disturbing and haunting film in only all the worst ways. Approach with caution.

Dear God No

Title: Dear God No

Director: James Bickert
Released: 2011

Starring: Jett Bryant, Madeline Brumby, Paul McComiskey, Olivia La Croix, Shane Morton, Johnny Collins, Nick Morgan, James Bickert, Rachelle Lynn, Heath Street, Billy Ratliff, Tim McGahren, Jim Sligh, Johnny McGowan

Plot: The impalers a psychotic group of bikers, lead by the bloodthirsty Jett (Bryant) on the run from their latest run in with rival bikers Satan’s Own stumble across the mountain cabin of Dr. Marco (McComisky).

Review: Ever since Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez unintentionally launched the Neo-Grindhouse genre with their double feature homage “Grindhouse” (it could be argued that any of their films were equally responsible for spawning this sub-genre) there has been a slew of titles which followed in its wake, all attempting to capture the grindhouse spirit with arguably varied levels from the raw grime of “The Devils Rejects” to the sheer randomness of “Hobo With A Shotgun”. However there are those films which miss the mark completely which is a category which its safe to say this film belongs in.

A truly grating viewing experience to say the least, I don’t think since watching “Deaden” or “The Zombie Diaries” have I found a film as frustrating a this film turned out to be which is really saying something when this feeling hits you a mere five minutes into the film, when you are treated to the members of the impalers riding their bikes alongside the camera and giving the audience the finger, which it seems director Bickert is frequently doing throughout this film as it becomes a black hole of depravity and sheer randomness….and not in a good way before those of you who look for those sorts of things start getting too excited.

One the main issues here though outside of the paper thin plotting is the bombardment of plot devices which Bickert throws into the mix, as not content to make just a biker or home invasion movie, Bickert instead tosses in plot devices left right and centre including a psycho nympho mother (and possible zombie) locked in the basement, Nazi experiments and even a killer sasquatch. The end result unsurprisingly is confused mess as each new element competes for time with the other, while Bickert seemingly assumes that stringing it all together with copious gore and nudity is all that is required to tie it all together, which it soon becomes painfully obvious is not the case.

The cast are forgettable with most seemingly coming from the “The Asylum” school of over acting, while only further hindered by how unlikable or interchangeable their characters are, which is especially the case with the members of the Impalers with whom their leader Jett is the only memorable one and that could be more to do with the striking resemblance to Zak Wilde than anything performance wise. Acting ability it would seem though is on the lower end of the Bickert’s concerns as like Eli Roth his concerns seem to be more with how willing the actresses were to get naked than any kind of acting ability. A theory which is only reinforced by the sheer amount of exposed skin on show here, which no doubt makes this film a favourite of teenage boys. Yes there is a lot of creativity when it comes to the nudity even if it seems to frequently be soley for the reason that Bickert can get away with it, be it via hostages, drug trips or even more bizarrely Nixon mask wearing strippers!?!

The flip side of Bickert’s attention here is clearly on ensuring that he included a healthy gore quota, as he rarely misses the opportunity to include some splatter, providing several of the more memorable moments, such as a shootout with the aforementioned masked strippers while his sasquatch gets the majority of the creative kills including a perhaps unintentionally funny decapitation. The effects unsurprisingly show ambition yet are held back by the budget, while the insistence on showing every gory detail only further plays against the film.

Bickert clearly aiming to recreate the grime and sleaze of the glory days of grindhouse cinema, ultimately misses the mark as while he might pack the film with enough nudity and violence to match the films he is drawing inspiration from, the half-baked plotting and general soulless feel of the film only overwhelm any potential the film has. Needless to say the plotting could equally be helped by Bickert not trying to work so many elements into the film, let alone so frequently shift the genre the film, a trick I have only previously seen work once before in the far superior “Pig Hunt” which memorably frequently shifted genres throughout its runtime, though unlike this film didn’t lose its audience in the process. A sleazy and generally mean spirited film, this is one best avoided, especially when the title no doubt will sum up your feelings about watching it again if you do.

Bikini Girls On Ice

 

Title: Bikini Girls On Ice

Director: Geoff Klein

Released: 2009

Staring: Cindel Chartrand, Danielle Doetsch, William Jarand, Suzi Lorraine, Christina Sciortino, Caroline Faille, Tarek Barone, Kerri Taylor, Ivan Peric

Plot: A bus load of bikini clad ladies are on their way to a car-wash fundraiser, when their bus breaks down in front of an abandoned gas station located on the edge of town, unaware that it is home to a homicidal mechanic called Moe (Jarand)

Review: I should really know by now that any film with the word “Bikini” in the title is often going to be far from the fun times and cheap thrills which the name would misleadingly give you the impression of. Needless to say this film is no exception to this rule.

A Canadian production from first time director Klein, who also is credited with co-producing aswell as co-writing this with fellow first timer Jeff Ross who thankfully gave up on the writing after this film, which like so many of the cast remains his sole IMDB credit. Still while aiming for a cheap and fun slasher, only one of these goals is really achieved (no prizes for guessing which one they achieve).

Plot wise this one does exactly what it says on the tin, unless you’re the sort of person brought up with holiday themed ice capades shows and have entered into it expecting to see a bunch of ice skating ladies in bikinis, you might be slightly disappointed to find that it’s yet another cheapie slasher abet one with a fun title, but still sadly little else to offer.

For some reason only known to Klein, the girls have seemingly only packed their bikini’s and while it’s a cheap thrill to have a movie full of attractive young actresses wearing pretty much nothing for the whole film, it’s a thrill which soon grows old way to quick, while towards the end even pushing the boundaries of plausibility as the girls run around in the dark, giving not even a passing thought to putting on more clothes. I don’t know perhaps Canadian girls are impervious to the cold, but Klein’s determination it would seem to get as much flesh on the screen as possible only took me out of the film, which by this point was struggling to keep what was left of my attention and something really also not helped by the fact that it’s nigh impossible most of the time to see what is happening during these night time scenes.

Such cheap titillation also extends to the cast, whose characters are left largely undeveloped except when it comes to what cheap thrill they happen to bring to the film (I.E: The slutty chick, the lesbians etc) and as such are largely disposable and there to make up the body count and as such it makes it really hard to care about what happens to any of them, especially when they are so interchangeable from each other. Still working with a cast of unknowns it soon becomes clear that many of them might have been hired for how good they look, rather than their acting ability but when some of them struggle to convincingly wash a car you know the film is in trouble.

The films psycho is beyond laughable, with Jarand clearly having delusions of being the next big slasher, especially from how he tries and fails to imitate Kane Hodder’s raging bull style, he brought to Friday the 13^th series from Part 7 – Jason X. Still looking like one of those deranged fans that generally turn up in videos for bands like “Slipknot”, with his greasy long hair permanently hanging over his face while contorting his face into a demented looking frown, as he comes across like the embodiment of every bad slasher cliché going. If this wasn’t bad enough, he is also lumbered with no kind of motive for his actions, so we never find out his motive for killing let alone why he is so obsessed with putting bodies into tubs of ice.

The other major failing of this film is with the gore quota which despite the films high body count is almost non existent. True we get a lot of violence with Moe swinging, hammering and stabbing away at his victims, but at the same time we don’t get to see any form of pay off, as Klein opts to keep the gore off screen and as such gives zero weight to any of the deaths, while only making Moe all the more of a laughable psycho, especially when every kill is the same as the last, with the victim stumbling into him, before falling over before he sets about doing his thing, with none of the victims providing anything resembling much of a fight. Still when we do see the aftermath of any of these kills, the damage is interchangeable with any other kill in the film, with the victim looking the same as before just now covered with buckets of fake blood, with the sole difference being the occasional slit throat. It’s this form of filming which really irks me, for on one hand Klein is trying to homage the splatter and violence of the 80’s slashers, yet at the same time under the delusion of what your not seeing is scarier, which arguably might be true and you really only need to look at the likes of “Psycho” for further proof. However this style really only works well in the hands of a master director, which it’s safe to say that Klein is not and hence is left with a bunch of weak death scenes, many of which have been done before only a lot better.

Despite having a short run time, this film still feels a lot longer than it is, which when you consider that it’s a film packed with scantily clad ladies only makes it much more worrying as it takes a real talent to make such a prospect as painful a viewing experience as Klein as here. Now normally I would recommend that movies this bad, are best enjoyed with a few cold beers, but considering the amount of alcohol required to make this a fun experience, I think you’d be best also packing a spare liver in the cooler, as it fails on even the most basic of levels, while proving once more that wall to wall cleavage does not make a movie, though perhaps more worrying is the fact that this film has spawned a sequel "Pin-up Dolls on Ice", though can't say that i'm going to be exactly rushing to see it anytime soon.

Inseminoid

Title: Inseminoid
Director: Norman J. Warren
Released: 1981
Staring: Robin Clarke, Judy Geeson, Jennifer Ashley, Stephanie Beacham, Steven Grives, Barrie Houghton, Rosalind Lloyd, Victoria Tennant, Trevor Thomas, Heather Wright

Plot: A group of interplanetary archaeologists investigating a series of seemingly abandoned ruins are thrown into chaos when one of them, Sandy (Geeson), is attacked and impregnated by a monstrous creature, which also turns her into a crazed killer intent on hunting down her fellow crewmates.




Review: It was somewhere around the halfway mark of this film, that I actually realised, that I was not watching the film the film I thought I had originally set down to watch, having somewhere along the line confused this film with “Creepozoids” (1987) which had been the film I had originally wanted to review, yet thanks to my confusions with titles I now found myself watching this “Alien” (1979) cash in instead.

One of several “Alien” cash in’s which came in the wake of it's release, all with vastly varying quality, with this film certainly not half as much fun as one of the better ones “Xtro 2: The Second Encounter” (1991) which memorably picked it’s favourite parts from “Alien” and “Aliens” to create a sequel which had absolutely nothing to do with the original “Xtro” (1983). However upon its release it was a radical departure from what had been established as British horror, by choosing a futuristic setting rather than the more favoured gothic setting of the Hammer Films, but all too soon you find yourself drawing similarities between “Alien” and this film, which is ultimatly a lot less gratuitous than this film, especially as it didn’t feature it’s lead actress being impregnated by an alien with a Perspex penis. Still looking at the frenzied and homicidal Sandy running around attacking her crew mates I couldn’t help but draw similarities between these scenes and the screenshots seen in the “Prometheus” trailer which also seem to show something strangely similar happening, though here's hoping that Ridley Scott hasn't decided to return the favour and rip this film off.

Funded in part by legendary Kung Fu producers “The Shaw Brothers” and made on a minimal budget of £1 million, the film would be shot in the UK, despite being given a distinctively American look, with the production shot almost entirely at Chislehurst Caves in Kent, while the island of Gozo near Malta substitutes for the desolate landscape of the alien planet and Warren certainly makes the most of such a limited budget and racks up a surprisingly decent body count, though it’s clear from the handful of alien shots we get, that this is were he cut the most corners as rather than anything resembling HR Giger’s now legendry creations we get what looks like a dime store puppet and no doubt explains why despite it’s setup, we spend most of the film watching Sandy running around like a frenzied lunatic and baring her teeth and generally killing any member of the crew who gets near here.

Due to working with such a low budget another noticeable sacrifice is with the soundtrack which is largely comprised of experimental synthesiser tracks which have such a hit and miss rate, it frequently kills any tension with Warren does manage to create, which made me wish that he had could have argued for a little more budget to get an orchestral score instead.

The plot is largely a nonsensical mess with Warren leaving it to the audience to piece it all together while leaving huge plot holes at nearly every turn with one crew member randomly becoming possessed after coming into contact with a bunch of crystals randomly left lying around for no real reason, while another crew member randomly commits suicide by cutting through her leg with a chainsaw as part of a half assed attempt to free her trapped leg (possibly a more enjoyable experience than watching this film) though this could also be more to do with the sudden realisation of the sort of movie she was in. This randomness continues until Warren clearly just figured that a frenzied Sandy was enough of a threat without really bothering to focus to much on the promised aliens and instead tries to further cover for it, by turning the film into a weird futuristic slasher. Meanwhile the character development is so non existent outside of this is Bob/Fred/Ethel etc and they do something or some importance to the mission and that is about the best you get, making these characters actually lower in the chain than your usual disposable slasher fodder, who normally have something to distinguish between them other than the fact that they are wearing different outfits, not that your really give much of a rats ass about these characters as none are particularly memorable bar Sandy and that’s only because she’s the only member of the crew frequently trying to kill of the others, aswell as some serious over acting on the part of Geeson who really seems determined to make the most of the role.

Warren here is clearly aiming for the sleaze factor; just incase the idea of a cheap looking alien impregnating a woman didn’t already give it away and the impregnation scene is suitably bizarre as a naked Sandy is forced to lye on a table, while the film cuts between gratuitous nudity shots and that now infamous Perspex penis, all while the soundtrack gets weird and for some unknown reason it also starts raining space pixie dust and god knows why the Doctor is in this scene, but alas these are just more questions you will no doubt be left asking if you manage to make it through to the end credits which could essentially just be watched instead as each of the cast are shown first playing their character before then cutting to their characters death scene, which leads me to the sole good thing this film has to offer and that is that you do not only get a very generous body count, but also a bunch of truly inventive kills with spear gun and what looks like a cattle prod all coming into play, while we are also treated to a random cannibalistic impulse by Sandy and it’s these moments were the film almost redeems itself, it’s just a shame that Warren fails to invoke even the most basic of feeling for these characters, which ultimately takes a lot away from these numerous kills.

Despite threatening a sequel with it’s ending, this would thankfully fail to come to anything bare the occasional rumour, leaving this film as the curiosity it is and with absolutely zero interest from myself to see more, after all if I wanted to see an alien wanting to reproduce with humans, I’d honestly rather just dig out “Species” instead.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

On May 25, 1977 George Lucas created with “Star Wars” the summer blockbuster, launching a saga which go onto be one the most popular franchises of all time, while giving nerdy males like myself something to fill all that time we had on our hands from you know not being able to talk to girls etc, while raking in $4.41 Billion in box office revenue from the films alone and this doesn’t include the money generated from the countless spin off’s and merchandise…because after all no home is complete without it’s glow in the dark lightsaber!

Needless to say George Lucas has frequently tried to torpedo his cash cow with some shall we say interesting directions in which he chose to take the franchise with the first of these being in “Return of Jedi” which introduced the Ewoks, a creation which grew out of his desire to have a village of Wookies which somehow turned into these monstrosities which as we all know, were greeted by much disgust by the fan base, while also being one of the few cute and cuddly characters that people didn’t mind seeing being blown up. Still these would seem quite passable by the time that “The Phantom Menace” finally came out sixteen years later and unleashed the now legendary (and not in a good way) “Jar Jar Binks” which once again caused further venom to be unleashed by the fan verse as well as the occasional burning effigy, as Lucas had finally managed to create something even crappier than those bloody teddy bears!!

Alas there would be something would top both these thing in terms of overwhelming badness, so much so that it would only ever be shown once in 1978 only to ever reappear on bootleg VHS copies as all those involved tried to forget it had ever been created. I am of course talking about “The Star Wars Holiday Special” and seeing how this December I am celebrating an “Alternative Christmas” what better time to revisit this rightfully forgotten cash in.

Riding high on success of “A New Hope” the story follows Han Solo and Chewbacca as they travel to Chewbacca’s home planet Kashyyk to celebrate Life Day with Chewie’s family who comprise of his father Itchy, his wife Malla and son Lumpy all of which would be later retconned to Attichitcuk, Mallatobuck and Lumpawarrump, rather than taking the more sensible choice of just killing them off. Still these bargain basement Wookie costumes you best get used to watching, as they are you main company for pretty much the whole run time of this thing, while their various grunts and growls are even more nonsensical when they are the only characters on screen, often meaning that Art Carney seen here as the trader and family friend Saun Dann is left to try and string things together for those of us who don’t speak Wookie, while the audience wonders why they aren’t getting to see their favourite heroes instead of these second rate characters.

Meanwhile the Empire are busy searching for rebel agents on the planet after losing Han and Chewie, whose attempts to elude the Empire once again forms the mainback bone of the plot, which is intercut with random cameo appearances by Luke Skywalker, C3PO, R2-D2 and Princess Leia, aswell as several variety show style segments, musical performances and a cartoon, all of which add up to a two hour car wreck of a holiday cash in.

Still what is most interesting about this special is that all the cast return to play their characters, something unheard of for a special of this type and something which they would all later regret upon the release of the final product, with Lucas rarely commenting on it and seemingly refusing to acknowledge it’s existence, while Carrie Fisher would provide her commentary for the Star Wars DVD’s on the condition that Lucas gave her a copy, somthing which she openly admits to showing at parties, usually when she wants everyone to leave. Still these appearances outside of Chewie and Han Solo are pretty much glorified guest appearances with the majority of the special being left to Chewie’s family to irritate the audience with their painfully unfunny attempts at humour while preparing for Life Day or eluding the Empire.

Still if the antics of Chewie’s family were not annoying enough we also get even more unlikable characters introduced via various celebrities of the time who will no doubt be unrecognizable to most people not born back then, as they try to earn some cool points and no doubt an easy pay check off the back of the Star Wars craze, so hence we get Harvey Korman (yep i’ve no idea who he is either) showing up in three separate skits, with the most memorable of these being the mildly amusing “Cooking with Chef Gormanda” a four armed cook who Malla struggles to keep up with. Meanwhile his appearance as a malfunctioning droid in an instructional video is just painful to watch. Still slightly better is “Golden Girls” star Bea Arthur as a bar tender at Mos Eisley cantina, which also see’s a welcome return of the various residents and cantina band, though her bursting into “Good Night, But Not Goodbye” will have you quickly looking for the fast forward button.

This random musical interlude is not the only questionable musical moment, as Princess Leia even bursts into a song set to the tune of the Star Wars theme, which unsurprisingly didn’t catch on and hence why you always get folks trying to warble the instrumental version. I did wonder though why “What do you buy a Wookie for Christmas, when he already has a comb” didn’t make the special.

Outside of the amateur hour operatic’s we also get musical performances by both “Jefferson Starship” and “Diahann Carroll” both of which quickly descend into 2001 style acid trip light shows , while Carroll’s performance is creepily watched by Chewie’s father as Carroll informs him that she is his “fantasy” while inviting him to “experience her”, while certainly not made any less creepy by the fact that Itchy is sitting in a machine pressing buttons which supposedly control the experience, which also brings into question if sex with a wookie is classed as bestiality?

So while the majority of the special is plain garbage there is still one good thing to come out of this and like the penny in the pile of shit, it is the first ever appearance of Boba Fett!! That’s right the coolest character in the whole of the Star Wars Universe made his debut here in the cartoon segment of the special, which take the term “Artistic License” to whole new level meaning that we get a rubbery looking R2-D2 and a version of Han Solo which bares a striking resemblance to Mick Jagger. Still it’s a fun first appearance for Boba Fett and is the only real reason to sit through the rest of the special which no doubt explains why it’s in the third quarter and not at the start.

To say that the special is flawed, is to put things lightly as honestly it deserves to have any copy in existence gathered up and burned and should in no reason what so ever be attempted to view while sober, with laces in your shoes or without atleast a couple of friends to heckle to hell out of it, neither of which I had for this last viewing which created an experience which is nothing short of cinematic root canal surgery…..you have been warned!!

Donkey Punch

Title: Donkey Punch
Director: Oliver Blackburn
Released: 2008
Staring: Robert Boulter, Sian Breckin, Nichola Burley, Tom Burke, Julian Morris, Jaime Winstone, Jay Taylor, Nichola Burley

Plot: Lisa (Breckin), Kim (Winstone) and Tammi (Burley) are three friends on holiday in Mallorca, helping Kim get over a recent break up. A chance encounter with four young men, who in turn invite them back to their yacht to party. Once they get out to sea, a combination of drink, drugs and casual sex, lead to one of the girls being killed by a risqué sex act called the “Donkey Punch”. In the ensuing panic the boys quickly plot to cover up the event, as the surviving girls now find themselves fighting for survival.



Review: Film4 has in the past been responsible for producing some great films in the past few years including “Series 7: The Contenders” (2001), Buffalo Soldiers (2001) and “Shaun of the Dead” (2004), this however is not one of those films.

Plot wise it's one that is far from original and one we have seen more than a few times before and certainly handled better than it is here, were a group find themselves in a tricky situation which only gets worse the more they attempt to get themselves out of it, usually because of bad choices and questionable morality. Here once more those same things are all present only with Director Blackburn attempting to give proceedings a Larry Clarke esq twist, by including gratuitous sex, drugs and nudity only without none of the improvised indie charm which Clarke brings to his films, as Blackburn attempts to build a film on the controversy of death by sexual misadventure, via the titular “Donkey Punch” a risqué sex move involving punching a girl in the back of the neck prior to ejaculation (don’t ask me how people come up with these things) to maximise male pleasure.

It takes record time for the film to setup it’s premise as we are barely fifteen minutes into the film, before the girls are convinced into joining the boys they have just met on a private yacht, were they have been crewing and currently left to look after for the owner and even less time before the girls are busy popping pills and smoking crack with these same guys who they have just met, while Lisa and Tammi are even sooner demonstrating just how loose their personal morals are in a group sex session, which in turn leads to the trigger point of the groups troubles. Now normally from this point you’d expect things to speedily escalate, especially with the guys being worryingly quick in their plotting to cover things up, in a bid to save their personal reputations, while bizarrely confident that they can convince Tammi and Kim to go along with their story, after all they did only just kill their best friend but what hell right? Well from this point things tend to go the opposite way, with the speedy escalation of issues not happening as the film proceeds to grind almost to a halt as Blackburn seems to be almost trying to convince the audience that the girls might possibly go along with such a random plan. Thankfully things get back on track with the girls trying to escape from the increasingly psychotic guys, who in turn begin to fall out between themselves as each begins to question the motives of the other, but even after their first attempt to escape the girls still sit down to a meal with their now captives, rather than attempting to plot another escape plan, while the cover up plan only continues to grow all the more ludicrous the longer the film goes on.

None of the characters are particularly likable with the guys all being for the most part indistinguishable from each other, with the only exception being the knuckle dragging buffoon Bluey (Burke) who is largely responsible for one of the guys attempting to follow up on his boasts of performing the “Donkey Punch”, played here by Tom Burke who is clearly a graduate of the Danny Dyer school of acting, as he mumbles his way through the film and irritated the hell out of me every time he appeared on the screen, to point were his death really could not come quick enough. The rest of the cast outside of Jaime Winstone (Daughter of Ray “The Daddy” Winstone) are all unknowns, though it is hard to say if this is the reason for the performances being so bland or just the lack of characterisation which the script gives them, which seemingly only extends to their libidos and general self preservation.

The soundtrack is honestly one of the most boring things I have heard in awhile and comprises of either chic indie bands, popular dance tracks or the questionable score by François Eudes, who aims for a soundtrack similar to John Carpenters “Halloween Theme”, with a similar repeating rift, only this one goes nowhere and sounds like the cd has got stuck, rather than adding anything to the already minimal tension.

Gore wise things are surprisingly light, especially when Blackburn seems to be quite happy to be as explicit as possibly when it comes to sex and drugs, but seemingly onscreen violence is were he draws the line, with most of the deaths fails to have their money shot, in particular the highly original deaths by flare and outboard motor, both of which fall painfully flat here, especially with the later having no real pay off, especially for the death which was highlighted so frequently in the promotion materials for the film. Still seeing how the film budget didn’t apparently stretch to lighting it makes it pretty hard to see what is going on half the time

“Donkey Punch” is a heavily flawed film, suffering from major flaws such as uninteresting and indistinguishable characterization as well as some truly horrible pacing throughout which only makes what is a relatively short run time an incredibly tedious experience to sit through as despite the curious title, this film is seriously lacking any kind of punch.

Deaden

Title: Deaden Director: Christian Viel Released: 2006 Staring: John Fallon, Deke Richards, Claudia Jurt, Neil Napier, Anna Jaeger, Carmen Echeverria, Kevin Kelsall, Marcello Bezina, John Topor
Rating: 1 / 5

Plot: Rane (Fallon) an undercover cop is exposed by the gang he was infiltrating, who proceed to rape and murder his pregnant wife and despite shooting Rane in the head with a crossbow and dumping his body in the river, he somehow survives. Now jacked up on painkillers and cocaine he sets out to wreak bloody revenge.

Review: It’s always interesting when a critic decides to step up and thrown his hat into his own personal critic arena, which is something the majority of critics will avoid doing, after all in this trade it is frequently noted that you are either the hunted or the hunter, despite some critics feeling that you can actually carve a career switching between the two (yes Perez Hilton I’m looking at you) and to an extent John Fallon, or as he is better known in the critic circles as “The Arrow”, has managed to pull a double life as both an actor and critic, with his critical work expanding upon his love affair with horror, with his Horror review site “Arrow in the Head”, part of Joblo.com which is arguably one of the true movie review site pioneers. Still having cranked out at the time of writing a staggering 1074 reviews since 2000, he has still found time to pull the occasional cameo appearance in the genre, with for myself the most noticeable being as a techie in “Saw 2” (2005), so I was kind of interested to see if he could pull off a leading role, as well as seeing how his writing chops would transfer to screen writing, after all would being a horror junkie really help to create a stronger film, especially having spent so long noting the flaws in the work of others, it would give him an advantage when it came to writing his own film ….. Sadly not it would seem.

Now I can look past a lot when it comes to indie features, such as the cheaper film stock and frequent cheesy performances, after all these films are usually provide a start for numerous actors and directors before they more onto bigger and more mainstream projects and most of the time they still have that base level of entertainment to be gained from a casual viewing, but even being a fan of “The Arrow” I still found this a really tough film to sit through.

Wasting no time establishing things such as characters or plotting, by opening up with Rane in a strip club shooting himself in the head (hmmm perhaps that was a subtle hint of what I should be doing), before leaping into a full blown rape and torture scene, which seemed like so many moments in this film seems to be more about shock tactics than anything that could be considered solid film making and it's almost as if Fallon and Viel are trying to top anything the audience may have seen before, but even when Rane begins extracting his revenge on the gang, the kills come off more mean spirited than the fun gooey times you want from a revenge flick, which I had to place largely with the character of Rane, who comes of more like a jerk than anything resembling a likable character, as he mopes about drinking, chomping down pain killers and snorting drugs to control his constant pain, which a crossbow bolt (yep these gangsters like to go real old school with thier weapon choices) to the head kinda leaves you with and generally trying to come off dark and moody, though for the most part generally failing horribly and these flaws are really all the more worrying when this is the guy we are supposed to be rooting for, but then its hard to decide if his character feels so because of Fallons acting ability or that his character is so darn under developed, that it’s hard to feel much for him or his plight, seeing how the only scenes we see are either him killing someone or having flashbacks of his wife, which for some reason are all romance or sex scenes, which is okay for one or two and perhaps for anyone interesting in seeing Fallons ass, but not when its for every single flashback!

The majority of the performances here are largely forgettable, which for anyone familiar with these b grade type movies, won’t be overly surprising with the majority of characters barely distinguishable as being one of the main bad guys from the stock disposable henchmen, unless they are verging on comical with their evilness. This point in perticular was especially highlighted when it came to the final showdown with head baddie Ballsy (Benzina), which almost felt like a added scene rather than a climatic showdown, though it does manage a pretty humorous finish. Still to break up these scenes of disposable baddies reciving Rane's special kind of punishment, we do also get Kersey (Richards), the cocaine snorting best friend who handily also has a huge stockpile of guns, which is not make him a good friend to have when your on a mission of revenge, but also when director Viel decides to give us his budget take on the “Scarface” (1983) finale, which is honestly just plain laughable, even more so when after hearing Kersey remark about two SWAT teams breaking into his shop, only for the so called teams to end up consisting of a grand total of six cops, two of which looking like they have gone for a coffee break rather than anything resembling tactical procedure. Still this scene like so many other scenes here, have such familiarity which considering the knowledge that Fallon has of the genre is unsurprising to find these kinds of references and while Tarantino might have carved a career out of being a cinematic magpie, Fallon lacks the writing ability to combine those moments with his own outside of some original kills he has created, which are pretty much the sole strong point and generally leaves the film looking like badly put together scrapbook of ideas which rarely engages the viewer beyond perhaps providing the occasional cheap and grimy thrill.

Sadly this isn't the breakout film for Fallon even as a writer or an actor, even though the more hardcore fanbase will no doubt argue differently, but this film is mean spirited for it's own good and struggles even more thanks to it's characters being so unlikable and when you realise that "The Crow" (1994) told pretty much the same story, except better it leaves little reason to bother with this film, outside of perhaps curiosity about Fallon's work outside of his work over at Joblo's.

S. Darko

Title: S. Darko
Director: Chris Fisher
Released: 2009
Staring: Daveigh Chase, Briana Evigan, Ed Westwick, James Lafferty, Jackson Rathbone, Elizabeth Berkley, Matthew Davis

Rating: 1 / 5

Plot: Set seven years after the events of “Donnie Darko”, Donnie’s youngest sister Samantha (Chase), now 18 sets out on a road trip to Los Angeles with her rebellious best friend Corey (Evigan), only to find themselves stranded in small desert town. Meanwhile a traumatised desert storm vet Iraq Jack (Lafferty) begins to have visions that the world will end in four days.



Review: For too long this film, has been like the elephant in the room, that no one really wants to acknowledge is there, for not only is it a sequel to a cult classic that never needed a sequel, but it’s a sloppily made one at best, which only makes it all the more surprising that I haven’t seen it on any of the blogs I regularly check out. So after being taunted by this film since its direct to DVD release, I finally decided to give it a watch, with an open mind, knowing full well that it could never come close to the genius of Richard Kelly’s original film which I have watched countless times and is a film which has never lost the power it held over me, the first time I watched it, though the same really can not be said for this film, which despite approaching it with the kind of open mindedness I tend to reserve for anything Noel Clarke (who went from almost killing the new Doctor Who series with the banal and frequently irritating Mickey, to penning garbage like Kidulthood) is involved with and like those films, this film was an experience only describable as cinematic root canal surgery.

Right from the beginning almost it seems that Director Fisher is desperately trying to capture the surreal world of the original, as clouds suddenly come to life, as Samantha and Corey drive through the desert. Still this is a real warning sign of what is still to come, as these surreal visions constantly make intrudes into the real world, making it often hard at times to distinguish between what is actually happening and what is all in the head of the characters, something that the original did well blurring the line between the two worlds, so that although they threatened to cross over, they never actually became the same world. Meanwhile the story attempts to skim the surface ideas of the original and hammer them into this new story, while at the same time sprinkling in a splattering of snapshot references to the original, like a girl bouncing on a trampoline wearing a lincoln mask, which might be subtle enough, but when you look at scenes like Samatha’s conversation with Pastor John (Davis) at the cinema that almost verges on plagiarism, as the whole scene just has a little too much familiarity to it.
Still these are minor niggles, compared to the most confusing thing which is carried across from the original, which is Frank’s bunny mask, which like his whole bunny costume became such an iconic and memorable image from the original film, but the fact the mask turns up again here, with Iraq Jack hammering out his own version of the mask, with no real justification as to why, other than a vague reference to Donnie, which is never fully explained much like why the dream guide in this film comes to Iraq Jack in the form of a dead Samantha? After all Frank being the dream guide in the first film made sense seeing how he was killed by Donnie, but Samantha and Iraq Jack share none of these connections, with his connection to Roberta “Grandma Death” Sparrow being so flimsy it almost seems like an afterthought pencilled into the script, to give yet another nod to the original.

The choice to use Samantha as the character to start a franchise with is certainly an interesting choice, especially when you consider that her only real contribution to the plot of the original, other than her naivety was her dedication to sparkle motion, which its true was interesting enough, seeing how the death of a loved one can change someone so radically, though her appearance in the film seems to only have the minimal amount of impact in terms of plot, as by the end of the film, you realise that she could never have turned up in this town and nothing would have really changed, which only further highlights that this really is a sequel in name only, as well as the flimsiness of the idea of turning “Donnie Darko” (2001) into a franchise which even now as I sit here writing this, is looking at having a second sequel made, which again Richard Kelly has wisely been quick to distance himself from.
For myself though one the most amusing aspects of the disc, is the making of feature in which director Fisher, not only comes off as an arrogant prick, but almost seems surprised that this film has come under such backlash from the fans of the original, while writer (yes someone actually wrote a script for this) Nathan Atkins appears to continually stumble over excuses for the film being the way it is, while constantly being afraid that he might actually meet the man, whose ideas he has butchered with this hackneyed sequel, despite both of their claims of being huge fans of the original, which makes you think that if they were such fans, why didn’t they just leave it the hell alone?

“S. Darko” is such a mess of a film, that despite sharing many of the key themes with the original, such as time travel, parallel universes and the power of fate, continuously fails to spark even the most basic of interest, as the majority of the events seem far to random to link together, while none of the characters are overly likeable, having been moulded to much into oddball caricatures, so that the majority of the time (much like the audience) don’t seem to really care about anything which is happening around them, as it staggers towards it’s uninspired ending, which even then still leaves far to many unanswered questions, which Fisher never bothers to even clear up, such as who murdered the two young boys, or what the hell is the boil thing, which is growing out of the neck of the science loving nerd Jeremy (Rathbone) after his contact with the original meteor. Still the most confusing of these is the inclusion around the halfway point of Samantha getting killed in a road accident, only for Corey to go back in time to trade places with her, which serves absolutely zero purpose to the plot, other than to give it one less annoying character to tolerate.

It’s hard to say if this film would have been any better without the references or connection to the first film, especially when it seems to often be weird for the sake of being weird, rather than for anything resembling furthering the story or plot, while only really working to increase my appreciation for Kelly’s original cut of “Donnie Darko” which even he came unstuck with, when he attempted to edit it into the inferior directors cut. True there might have been some fun promo materials for the film turn up on Youtube, though sadly it was a lot more inspired than this film, which as I’ve stated already, is a sequel in name only and only worth watching if you want to reassure yourself of how inspired the original was, as to seek anything further will sadly just lead to disappointment.