Alternative Christmas Countdown 2016

 

For those of you who follow the Facebook / Twitter feed will know already that this year I ran another Alt Christmas countdown with each day bringing something Alt. Christmas related be it a piece of music, a review or a short film as we countdown to Christmas!

You can also check out the original 2013 countdown here

Krampus In The Corner

 

The alt Christmas alternative for those kids too hip for "Elf on a Shelf" created by Silent Orchid Studios based on the character from Germanic folklaw who punished naughy children at Christmastime.

 

 

Patton Oswalt - Christmas Shoes

 

Patton delves into possibly one of the worst Christmas songs ever.

Wes Anderson Christmas

Inititally mistaken for a new Wes Anderson feature. Here though he crams in a brief runtime his distinctive style and characters to create a charming little short which sadly has already been butchered for its TV release, but here it is in its original form.

 

 

DRYVRS Ep.1 - Just Me In The House By Myself starring Macaulay Culkin

 

Ever wondered what happened to Kevin after the first two "Home Alone" movies?

 

 

Christmas Carolling with Rowdy Roddy Piper

 

The legendry Rowdy Roddy Piper takes us through his alternative take on the 12 days of Christmas with a voice like melted gold.

 

 

 

Santa Vs. Jesus Wrestling

 

The battle for Christmas is waged in the ring thanks to Freakshow Wrestling

 

 

Bonus: Knockouts Santa's Workshop Streetfight - From TNA wrestling this match from the glory days of their Knockout Division is not only festive themed but features Christy Hemme going nuts with a doll, before getting full on kicked in the chest.

 

John Water's Why I Love Christmas

 

The maestro of bad taste cinema shares his thoughts on the holiday season. 

 



 

Weird Al Yankovic - Christmas at Ground Zero

 

 

Santa With Muscles

 

The Franchise Killer Hulk Hogan kills his own acting career, but is it really as bad as IMDB would have you belive it is?

http://fromthedepthsofdvdhell.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/santa-with-muscles.html

 

 

 

Nick Helm - (Hey Johnny) There Ain't No MotherFuckin' Santa Claus

Surely the song we should all be pushing for the Christmas number 1!

 

 

Hunter S. Thompson Sets Christmas Tree On Fire, Nearly Burns His House Down

 

Not even Christmas is free from Thompson's trademark brand of chaos as seen here by the raging inferno he unleashes.

 

 

 

Treevenge

Short horror film by Jason Eisener (Hobo With A Shotgun) as the Christmas trees decide to revolt and take revenge on the humans. A fun little short outside of the ending which arguable goes too far, but the lead up is packed with his usual neo-grindhouse charms.

 

The Spirit of Christmas Shorts

Before South Park Trey Parker and Matt Stone gave us these two short films, which would lay the template for South Park, while becoming cult favourites on the tape trading scene.

Jesus Vs. Frosty (1992)

Jesus Vs. Santa (1995)

 

 

Psycho Santa Pranks

I love a bad Santa so needless to say this series of pranks really tap into what I love about the Alt. Christmas season.

 

 

Kaiju Christmas

Thanks to August Ragone for this fun track

 

 

 

Bobcat GoldWait on the True Meaning of Christmas

 

Boy competitions where a lot better back in the late 80's. I just love the fact that MTV essentially missed the message of "Scrooged" by letting you be your very own Tyrant




Liam Nesson Auditions as a Shopping Mall Santa

So wonderfully creepy it makes me hope that they sign him up for an Alt Christmas movie soon!

Jimmy Kimmel - I Gave My Kids A Terrible Present

 

What's the point of having kids if you can't torment the hell out them right? Needless to say these kids were less than thrilled with this one.

 

 

 

Full Metal Rudolph

Hmm the opening of Full Metal Jacket and the children's classic "Rudolph" because those two things go together

 

Bonus: Apocalypse Pooh - Because who doesm't want to see the Hundred Acre Wood spliced with Francis Ford Coppola's Vietnam classic

 

Star Trek Christmas Decorations

Yours for a mere $199

 

 

 

 

Top 6 Christmas Specials

 

A list of my favourite Christmas episodes from "Black Mirror" and "South Park" through to the one episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that's actually still worth watching.  

 

 

Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special

While this never made it over to the UK, watching it now its hard not to get caught up in just how wholesome and fun it is. Also how long is that guest list!

 

 

 

Happy Christmas to all my readers and friends. Thanks for your continued support and here's to a kickass 2017!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Top 100 Film Moments

Taking inspiration from Patton Oswalt's "100 Favourite Movie Moments" which he includes along with several other pieces of writing at the end of his book "Silver Screen Fiend" I thought I would throw out my own 100 movie moments which have stayed with me since I saw them.

 

When compiling the list I have tried to avoid listing the usual favourites such as the "You talkin to me" scene from "Taxi Driver" or the "bigger boat" scene from "Jaws" as while they are still unquestionably great scenes, their inclusion in this list would only take away space from more less known but none the less essential film moments. Of course it equally goes without saying that this list really is a reflection of my thoughts at the time of writing and like any film junkies top 10 list any number of titles could be replaced with newer discoveries depending on my mood though I would hope that this list even as time passes still provide some kind of insight into my movie watching experiences.

1.       The recently dumped Zuckerberg creates “Facemash” – The Social Network

2.       Neo-Tokyo bike ride – Akira

3.       Introducing “Monster Island” – Destroy All Monsters

4.       The Moloko Milk Bar opening – A Clockwork Orange

5.       The Human Caterpillar rolls a cigarette – Freaks

6.       Kathryn teaches Cecile how to kiss – Cruel Intentions

7.       Major Kong riding the Atom bomb – Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb

8.       Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris fight to the death at the colosseum – Way of the Dragon

9.       Why do I have to be Mr. Pink? – Reservoir Dogs

10.   The House of Blue Leaves massacre – Kill Bill

11.   Samuel L. Jacksons motivation speech is suddenly cut short by a surprise shark attack – Deep Blue Sea

12.   Jacques car – The Big Blue

13.   Bob arrives in Tokyo – Lost In Translation

14.   Only the French would put a cinema inside a palace – The Dreamers

15.   It’s not about the coffee in my kitchen – Pulp Fiction

16.   Tank Joyride – Buffalo Soldiers

17.   Pilot takes fluid Karma and dances to the Killers “All These Things That I’ve Done” – Southland Tales

18.   The parents revenge – Lady Vengeance

19.   Olive mimicking pageant contest winners – Little Miss Sunshine

20.   The Tanker Chase – Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

21.   The squid scene – Oldboy

22.   Death Star contractors – Clerks

23.   Asami listens to the phone ring while the sack thrashes – Audition

24.   Jason’s surprise appearance – Friday the 13th

25.   This is Bat Country – Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas

26.   Michaud stares down the bomb – The X files: Fight The Future

27.   Hans Gruber – Die Hard

28.   Alleyway fight – Big Trouble In Little China

29.   Popo The Puppet – Beerfest

30.   The opening Knight Rider pursuit – Mad Max

31.   The gangs heading to the meeting – The Warriors

32.   Eric Draven becomes the Crow – The Crow

33.   The support groups – Fight Club

34.   The sign language sex scene – Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance

35.   Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap – Eternal Sunshine of theSpotless mind

36.   Brundel Fly begs for death – The Fly (1986)

37.   Kint loses the limp – The Usual Suspects

38.   John Does’ Apartment – Seven

39.   The opening tea-house bust – Hard Boiled

40.   Matt, Jack and Leroy reunite one last time for the Mythical Big Wednesday – Big Wednesday

41.   The Chest Burster- Alien

42.   The final test at the resturant - Nikita

43.   Dr. Dealgood introduces Thunderdome – Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

44.   Guido explains the “No Jews” sign – Life is Beautiful

45.   King Kong makes his last stand on the Empire State building - King Kong

46.   Andre’s fly head reveal – The Fly (1958)

47.   Marion is killed in the shower – Psycho

48.   Well I’m a little Bi-Furious – Scott Pilgrim Versus the World

49.   Buffalo Bill dances to Q-Lazurus “Goodbye Horses” – Silence of the Lambs

50.   Mecha-King Ghidorah is revealed – Godzilla Vs. King Ghidorah

51.   Putting out the Engine fire – Mad Max: Fury Road

52.   The Lords of Death – Babycart at the River Styx

53.   Magot’s missing years revealed – The Royal Tennenbaums

54.   The restaurant explosion – Brazil

55.   Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Violence  – Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

56.   The Naughty or Nice list – Christmas Evil

57.   The truck flip – Death Race

58.   Euthanasia day at the old folks home – Death Race 2000

59.   The dance routine – Silver Linings Playbook

60.   The secret of Shell Beach is revealed – Dark City

61.   Buttons the Clown is arrested – Greatest Show On Earth

62.   I need a room you mean old bastard – From Dusk Till Dawn

63.   The Training Video – Battle Royale

64.   The cut away boat – The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

65.   Stansfield on Mozart – Leon

66.   The Pink Room – Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

67.   Pinback gets stuck in the lift – Dark Star

68.   The Wicker Man is revealed – The Wicker Man

69.   The siege of Tir Asleen – Willow

70.   The Dude’s dream sequence – The Big Lebowski

71.   The curb stomp – American History X

72.   Chen final showdown with Fujita – Fist of Legend

73.   Lee in the room of mirrors – Enter the Dragon

74.   Ip Man Vs. 10 Japanese Black Belts - Ip Man

75.   Chase through dreams – Paprika

76.   The Stink Spirit – Spirited Away

77.   Donnie rides home soundtrack to “The Killing Moon” by Echo and the Bunnymen – Donnie Darko

78.   Randy and the former legends at the fan signing – The Wrestler

79.   Pawning the TV – Requiem for a Dream

80.   The Cook – Spun

81.   The Buyers market – 8mm

82.   The funeral procession – Stone

83.   Exploding Head – Scanners

84.   The Alternative opening timeline – Watchmen

85.   Gamera does the parallel bars – Gamera vs Guiron

86.   Enid and Rebecca flip off the school – Ghost World

87.   Leatherface swinging his chainsaw at the sunrise – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

88.   Playing the reel of confiscated scenes – Cinema Paradiso

89.   The Gremlin drawing on the table in the bar – Gremlins

90.   The lady in red prelude – Sin City

91.   The weapons room fight – Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

92.   Breakfast with the Pin – Brick

93.   Buster Keaton tossing railway sleepers – The General

94.   Dillion and Ripley face off over the breakfast table – Alien3

95.   Hans Landa and Shosanna eating strudel  - Inglourious Basterds

96.   Chang singing Karaoke – Only God Forgives

97.   Frank Mackey’s seminar – Magnolia

98.   Metatron appears to Bethany – Dogma

99.   The Lair of the Pale Man – Pan’s Labyrinth

100.  Gris licks the blood from the bathroom floor - Cronos

Biker Movies - An Introduction

 

If any aspect of cult cinema embodies the spirit of wild and carefree rebellion it’s the “Biker genre”. From its beginning in 1954 with the release of “The Wild One” staring a young (and less gelatinous and egotistic) Marlon Brando as the black leather jacket clad Johnny Stradler the leader of “The Black Rebels Motorcycle Club) who roll into Carbonville during a motorcycle race with the intention of stirring up trouble. While it might seem alittle twee to modern audiences the film was greeted with shock and hysteria by the press of the day, while the British Board of Film Censors (BBFC) banned the film till finally awarding it an ‘X’ certificate (the equivalent of today’s ‘15’ certificate) when they allowed it to be released fourteen years after its original release, the original letter of rejection for certification stating that they were of the opinion that the film presented a

“spectacle of unbridled hooliganism… with no more than a mild censure from a police office, would be likely to exert a harmful influence in that very quarter about which anxiety is felt and would expose the Board to justifiable criticism for certificating a film so potentially danger on social grounds”

Unsurprisingly all this controversy resonated with the alienated youth of the time who loved the idea of the motorcycle riding rebel. While in the UK the battles between Mods and Rockers did little to ease the fears of the censors and general public leaving them to hold out on the film till they felt that the film had become too dated to appeal to the potential delinquents of the film whose rebellious nature they felt the film would only fuel.

Despite the controversy which surrounded “The Wild One” it would take the exploitation cinema legend Roger Corman to really launch the genre with “The Wild Angels” as he saw biker films as a way to revive the flagging Western genre seeing the biker film as its modern day equivalent with bikes replacing the horses. At the same time the wild nature of these films made them perfect fodder for the audiences of Drive-in’s and Grindhouse theatres who made up much of Corman’s target audience for the films he was producing especially with their common themes of revenge and the desire to live free and without the oppression of “The Man” (popular themes for the Blaxploitation films of the 70’s) which played perfectly in a time when civil liberties was still a key subject with the classic “Easy Rider” truly providing the embodiment of these themes.

“Easy Rider” would prove to be another influential title not only for how films were made, but the genre as a whole which soon saw more focus on storytelling as well as more essentially the riding sequences as producers attempted to hold onto an audience that had evolved and now craved more from these films than thrilling scenes of adventure and wild delinquency. It’s would being during these finals years for the genre that we also saw some of the most interesting films being produced such as the Blaxploitation influenced “The Black Angels” and the bikers in Vietnam “Nam’s Angels” aka “The Losers”; a film inspired by head of the “Hells Angels” Sonny Barger sending a telegram to President Johnson offering the Angel services as “gorilla fighters” (sic) which Johnson might have turned down but it did end up making a pretty decent biker movies as well as one can also be seen being watched by Fabienne in “Pulp Fiction”.

While stateside the genre might have been winding down but at the same time it also began to attract international attention with Japan giving us the “Stray Cat Rock” series whose first entry “Delinquent Girl Boss” memorably gave us a motorcycle / beach buggy chase through the streets of Shinjuku, Tokyo. Coming towards the end of the golden age for the genre, its presence would in Australian cinema as Ozploitation memorably brought its own twist on things with Australian cinema at this point already renown for its love of car chases really pushed the action side of the genre with the likes of George Millers “Mad Max” and its sequel “Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior" both memorably featuring psychopath bikers aswell as some equally memorable stunt work often shot on roads unofficially closed down by the production team. We would also get with “Stone” arguably one of the most iconic moments to be featured in any biker movie as it featured a funeral procession complete with a motorcycle Hearse and hundreds of bikers thundering down the highway.

Not to be outdone Britain too would throw its gauntlet down with “Psychomania” which not only brought a horror element to the biker movie as a biker gang called “The Living Dead” make a pact with the devil to become immortal, while also being led by the frog loving Alex DeLarge clone Tom. Despite gaining a cult following in the years since its release, many consider the film to mark the end of the biker film genre as exploitation cinema moved onto other areas as the times changed. The bikers which had once been the focus now being pushed into the background or taking on the antagonist role especially with the increase of interest in post-apocalyptic movies of the 80’s were the marauding biker gang was a common sight.

Nowadays the biker movie is all but a forgotten concept outside of the occasional throwback that the Neo-grindhouse genre has given us such as the Quentin Tarantino produced “Hell Ride” aswell as the equally awful“Dear God No!” and its sequel “Frankenstein Created Bikers” leaving my genre fans with mixed feelings for the genre. At the same time it’s a genre which hides some great hidden classics especially during the 60’s and 70’s and while a lot of it can be seen as perhaps overly campy or grimy for some tastes for the more adventurous movie watcher there is still plenty to enjoy.

Starting Point – Five Biker Movie Essentials

Motorpsycho – Directed by Russ Meyer’s just before “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!” this film is not only noticeable for the lack of his Ultravixens, but also for being the first film to give a portrayal of the disturbed Vietnam veteran, many of which had returned from the war and drifted into motorcycle gangs unable to handle the return to civilian life.  The film has also inspired the name of the Norwegian Progressive rock band aswell as being refrenced by “White Zombie” in the song “Thunder Kiss ‘65’”

Born Losers – The first of the “Billy Jack” trilogy following the “Half-breed” American Navajo Indian, who is also a Green Beret Vietnam Veteran aswell as a hapkido master who has taken to living in the California mountains in his attempts to escape from society. Things don’t however go according to plan as he finds himself having to defend the town of Big Rock against the members o the Born Losers Motorcycle Club. A commercial success despite a negative critical response, the film would be followed by “The Trial of Billy Jack” and “Billy Jack Goes To Washington”.

Angel Unchained – Angel feels that his days as a biker are coming to an end and breaks away his gang “The Nomads” to try and find his own way in the world only to find himself caught up in a conflict between a hippie commune and the local rednecks leading him to call in his former gang to help provide protection for the commune.

Werewolves on Wheels – One of the few films to combine both biker and horror genres see also (Psychomania, I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle) and directed by Michel Levesque who had previously been the art designer for Russ Meyer. This film was largely used as double bill fodder but still has a fun hook as Adam the leader of “The Devil’s Advocates” is unwittingly cursed along with gang with Lycanthropy (the posh term for Werewolf) and its not long before they leave a bloody trail in their wake as they hit the open road.

The Hellcats – A film no doubt already known to fans of MST3K, here the gender roles are flipped as crime boss Adrian uses  the female motorcycle gang The Hellcats to carry out his drug runs. However when a detective is killed by one of Adrians henchmen leading to his army sergent brother and girlfriend to go undercover as bikers to infiltrate the Hellcats to get their revenge against Adrian.

 

Authors Note: Originally posted as part of The LAMB "Cult Chops" feature