Dear God No

Title: Dear God No

Director: James Bickert
Released: 2011

Starring: Jett Bryant, Madeline Brumby, Paul McComiskey, Olivia La Croix, Shane Morton, Johnny Collins, Nick Morgan, James Bickert, Rachelle Lynn, Heath Street, Billy Ratliff, Tim McGahren, Jim Sligh, Johnny McGowan

Plot: The impalers a psychotic group of bikers, lead by the bloodthirsty Jett (Bryant) on the run from their latest run in with rival bikers Satan’s Own stumble across the mountain cabin of Dr. Marco (McComisky).

Review: Ever since Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez unintentionally launched the Neo-Grindhouse genre with their double feature homage “Grindhouse” (it could be argued that any of their films were equally responsible for spawning this sub-genre) there has been a slew of titles which followed in its wake, all attempting to capture the grindhouse spirit with arguably varied levels from the raw grime of “The Devils Rejects” to the sheer randomness of “Hobo With A Shotgun”. However there are those films which miss the mark completely which is a category which its safe to say this film belongs in.

A truly grating viewing experience to say the least, I don’t think since watching “Deaden” or “The Zombie Diaries” have I found a film as frustrating a this film turned out to be which is really saying something when this feeling hits you a mere five minutes into the film, when you are treated to the members of the impalers riding their bikes alongside the camera and giving the audience the finger, which it seems director Bickert is frequently doing throughout this film as it becomes a black hole of depravity and sheer randomness….and not in a good way before those of you who look for those sorts of things start getting too excited.

One the main issues here though outside of the paper thin plotting is the bombardment of plot devices which Bickert throws into the mix, as not content to make just a biker or home invasion movie, Bickert instead tosses in plot devices left right and centre including a psycho nympho mother (and possible zombie) locked in the basement, Nazi experiments and even a killer sasquatch. The end result unsurprisingly is confused mess as each new element competes for time with the other, while Bickert seemingly assumes that stringing it all together with copious gore and nudity is all that is required to tie it all together, which it soon becomes painfully obvious is not the case.

The cast are forgettable with most seemingly coming from the “The Asylum” school of over acting, while only further hindered by how unlikable or interchangeable their characters are, which is especially the case with the members of the Impalers with whom their leader Jett is the only memorable one and that could be more to do with the striking resemblance to Zak Wilde than anything performance wise. Acting ability it would seem though is on the lower end of the Bickert’s concerns as like Eli Roth his concerns seem to be more with how willing the actresses were to get naked than any kind of acting ability. A theory which is only reinforced by the sheer amount of exposed skin on show here, which no doubt makes this film a favourite of teenage boys. Yes there is a lot of creativity when it comes to the nudity even if it seems to frequently be soley for the reason that Bickert can get away with it, be it via hostages, drug trips or even more bizarrely Nixon mask wearing strippers!?!

The flip side of Bickert’s attention here is clearly on ensuring that he included a healthy gore quota, as he rarely misses the opportunity to include some splatter, providing several of the more memorable moments, such as a shootout with the aforementioned masked strippers while his sasquatch gets the majority of the creative kills including a perhaps unintentionally funny decapitation. The effects unsurprisingly show ambition yet are held back by the budget, while the insistence on showing every gory detail only further plays against the film.

Bickert clearly aiming to recreate the grime and sleaze of the glory days of grindhouse cinema, ultimately misses the mark as while he might pack the film with enough nudity and violence to match the films he is drawing inspiration from, the half-baked plotting and general soulless feel of the film only overwhelm any potential the film has. Needless to say the plotting could equally be helped by Bickert not trying to work so many elements into the film, let alone so frequently shift the genre the film, a trick I have only previously seen work once before in the far superior “Pig Hunt” which memorably frequently shifted genres throughout its runtime, though unlike this film didn’t lose its audience in the process. A sleazy and generally mean spirited film, this is one best avoided, especially when the title no doubt will sum up your feelings about watching it again if you do.

The Giant Claw

Title: The Giant Claw
Director: Fred F. Sears
Released: 1957
Staring: Jeff Morrow, Mara Corday, Morris Ankrum, Louis Merrill, Edgar Barrier, Robert Shayne

Rating: 3.5 / 5

Plot: While testing new radar systems, test pilot Mitch (Morrow) spots an UFO, which turns out to be a gigantic bird, intent on bringing doom to the inhabitants of Earth.




Review: It’s funny the things which inspire me to often hunt down a title, often having nothing to do with the plot and more often than not a desire to watch the film based on a single shot, or perhaps the prospect of seeing a certain scene, which is especially true for this film, a clip of which I remembered being featured in the title sequence, for “Monsterpiece Theatre”, which shows the clip of a man parachuting, with a look of terror on his face as we watch him falling in front of the monstrous face of the titular creature, which is without a doubt one of the most comedic looking monster creations I have seen, since I discovered that “The Thing” in “Godzilla Vs. The Thing” (better known as “Godzilla Vs. Mothra” outside of the states) was in fact a giant moth! This also go a long way to explaining why, you don’t actually see the whole creature on any of the posters, though leaving why the film is called “The Giant Claw” when the creature in question clearly has two claws! It is also worth noting that throughout the production none of the cast actually had any idea what the creature was going to look like, with Animatronics maestro Ray Harryhausen originally being considered to create the creature, an idea which would be scrapped due to budgetary restraints, leaving the creature effects to be handled by a small Mexican special effects company, which does prove slightly detrimental to the film, seeing how the effects are not just laughable now, but were considered laughable back when the film was first released, with audiences supposedly bursting in laughter whenever the creature appeared on screen.
Outside of the creature the majority of the effects are a combination of well edited scenes of stock footage, combined with some seriously ropey miniature work, which is amusing to watch as planes bounce around on strings and model trains get thrown through the air. Still Sears being keen to get the most out of his budget, even recycles footage from his earlier film “Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers” (1956), providing some of the better effects here.

Plot wise it’s a standard B-movie affair and rattles along at a quick pace, which goes a long way to explaining why it’s such a fun film to watch, despite suffering from numerous flaws, while at the same time it actually bothers to break several genre conventions seeing how Corday plays Sally a strong female character, rather than the usual damsel in distress which is almost expected in the genre, but here she is seen not only as a romance interest but also as a major part of the team, proving herself not only feisty but also quite handy with a rifle, putting her a whole head and shoulders ahead of the majority of her female b-movie predecessors, still the majority of the cast seem to believe that they are in a film which is more than B-movie fodder, judging by how the actors handle the dialogue combined with their general performances throughout, but then I guess no one really bothered to tell them that they are staring in a movie were the world is under attack from a giant rubber chicken. Still we do get the classic lines “I’ll never call my mother in law and old crow again” aswell as my personal favourite

“Holy Toledo! I've seen some mighty big chicken hawks back on the farm, but man, this baby takes the cake!”

Both lines spoken completely straight faced only further adding to the humour value and questioning if this was ever intended on being a serious movie?

Plot wise the one point which stuck with me which watching this film, is why does everyone keep referring to the creature as being “A giant battleship”? Seriously this one description is shared by nearly every character that comes into contact with the creature, but why call it a battleship? Why not at least describe it as something that flies at the least. I also have to wonder for a creature which is supposedly from space, how it actually travels through space, let alone generates its own force field which is pretty much accepted as fact, almost as if the idea of a giant chicken flying through space makes perfect sense.

I can’t help but feel had the creature effects been better, that this film might be remembered in more positive light, rather than for its unintentional humour value, caused by a seriously random looking creature, caused by the budget restraints the film was put under and certainly which resonates even now, when you consider the amount of half decent films, which are ruined by the inclusion of cheap bargain basement CGI. Still the film remains as it does a fun way to burn away a Sunday afternoon, especially when you can’t be bothered with the complexities of something heavier which after all is what this genre does best.